


Red Sky in the Morning

by Nova_mm



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Major character death - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Physical Disability, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Survivor Guilt, TW: Blood mention, Violence, tw: character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:49:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 38,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nova_mm/pseuds/Nova_mm
Summary: The Conclave exploded, throwing Thedas into chaos.  The only survivor is a mage, there under an assumed name.  A woman with a past she would rather forget.This is my first attempt at writing a long fanfiction but this story seems to have forced my hand.  Let's see where it goes.A huge thanks to my wonderful friends, LeChatRouge673 and Slothquisitor who have been my patient editors, teachers and cheerleaders.





	1. This is Bad

**Author's Note:**

> Please be kind. I have survived tough times by reading others fanfiction and in a weird way, this is my attempt to give back as well as share the headcanon that grew in my head around my favourite game.
> 
> I also want to thank my Tumblr friends, who have been nothing but supportive and encouraging while I fought my own demons to get this far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now updated. 
> 
> There is also art for this chapter [Found here](https://novamm66.tumblr.com/post/169824385117/i-have-started-drawing-kiayas-drawings-sort-of)

Seeker Pentaghast was angry. In fact, she was past angry and was coming up on absolute white-hot rage. The feeling of uselessness was gnawing at her spirit. Three days ago, she had returned from her attempt to find The Champion of Kirkwall with Varric Tethras in tow; a dwarf with a smart mouth who wouldn't know a straight answer if you stabbed him with it. Two days ago, the conclave had exploded and the world that Cassandra knew disappeared. Her rage was keeping her grief and exhaustion at bay, but that wouldn’t last much longer. There was nothing to be done but wait, fight and pray. So she did just that, waiting to see if the only survivor of the disaster at the conclave, who was clinging to life in the cells below the Chantry, would wake up. 

Cassandra snorted in disgust as she reached the end of the room they had commandeered in the Chantry. She angrily glared at the book titles on the shelves in front of her. Finding nothing helpful or distracting, she turned to pace back once more.

The trip to recover the mysterious woman had done much to work off the anger and fear Cassandra first felt after the Breach had appeared. Then the waiting had begun and patience was in short supply. She had passed the last two days fighting, watching the prisoner writhe in pain in the cells, and pacing the room that had become their headquarters. She lost count of the number of times she had made the trip past Leliana poring over reports at the table. Soon it would be time for her to replace Commander Cullen on the front lines leading the soldiers. Cassandra’s face was grim.. Sleep was for the weak.

_The prisoner has to survive. She has to fix this. Or answer for it._

The Seeker kept pacing.

\---

Leliana was cold and clinical in her anger. Her inability to find anything on the cause of the explosion was not improving her state of mind. She would find out who was responsible, who killed the Most Holy, and she would make them pay in the only way she knew how. 

The information on the survivor was only slightly better. Leliana examined the report in front of her again, looking for anything unlikely she had missed. She had argued for days with Divine Justinia about allowing her scouts to do backgrounds and follow the attending parties coming to the conclave. Leliana had known that tensions would be high and well informed is well armed so she had pressed the argument. But even with all of the information that Leliana had gathered, she had more questions than she started with.

The prisoner had arrived as an official member of the Ostwick circle; the name on the registry was Evelyn Trevelyan, but the description of the woman who left Ostwick under that name didn’t match the physical traits of the woman downstairs although they were close. The report showed that the delegation sailed on time but the boat had arrived two days late, not uncommon with the storms on the Waking Sea. It seemed that the woman who got off the boat in West Hill was not the same one who had gotten on and that was worrisome.

Leliana drummed her fingers on the table in counterpoint to Cassandra's pacing as she tried to think of all the possibilities to fill the holes in the prisoner’s timeline.

Their heads snapped up as the door was pushed open by the apostate elf that arrived offering assistance, shortly after the Breach ripped the sky apart. 

“It appears she will survive,” he said. “Although I don't know exactly when she will wake up, my guess would be in the next few hours.”

“What can you tell us, Solas?” Leliana asked.

“I don't believe that she was the cause of the tear in the Veil. That would have taken immense power, which she does not possess. The mark on her hand, however, is a mystery and it is killing her. It is possible that her only chance to stop the spread of its magic is to close the Breach. That might save her or kill her. This magic is unlike anything I've ever seen before. But she fights it, she has a great will to survive it seems.”

“Do you think she can use the mark to close the Breach?” Cassandra asked

“I think it is possible Seeker, she seems to be overcoming the power struggle inside of her and that is a good sign that she will have control over the mark as well. So it is reasonable to hope. It may be the only hope we have.” Solas nodded to both women and left the room.

The silence left by his departure was broken by Leliana clearing her throat. “Cassandra, I believe it would be best if we request that Commander Cullen remain at the forward camp so that you and I can be available to interrogate the prisoner.”

Cassandra frowned, the Nightingale had argued against recruiting Commander Cullen, she had felt that with his past he would be unobjective in the rising mage-templar conflict. “His past is his past Leliana and he is making the amends that he feels are due. We cannot hope to save Thedas if we don’t trust the people we have especially now.”

Leliana coolly met Cassandra's glare for a few moments before replying, “I believe it would be best to not test the limits of either the Commander or, and more importantly, the unknown mage all our lives may depend on.”

Cassandra snorted, “Fine.But we must send him reinforcements. They've been up there for hours. They are running out of time.”

“I know.” Leliana sighed heavily as she led the way out of the room.

\---

Varric Tethras stared at the glowing hole in the sky while rubbing oil into Bianca’s stock.

“Shit. I don’t want to write this story.”

He turned as the Chantry doors opened to reveal Solas wiping his hand on his tunic. “Is she gonna live, Chuckles?”

“It would appear so,” Solas said with a sigh. “They are simply waiting for her to wake up.”

“They're planning on taking her up to the Temple?”

“I believe so.”

“How long?” Varric squinted at the sky.

“No more than a couple of hours.” Solas regarded the dwarf thoughtfully.

“Well then, I had better get a nap in before we fight our way back up that bloody hill.” Varric shook his head as he turned and walked back to his tent.

\---

Heaviness, suffocation, like being trapped under a soaked wool blanket or caught in a fishing net.

Can't breathe. Fear.

Run! Run!

Pain. Voices. Anger.

She was being torn apart by the fire and water fighting through her blood, cracking her bones burning and freezing her simultaneously. There was nothing but agony.

_Please just let me die._

\---

Kiaya woke with a start, rolled off of the cot and retched on the floor. She tried to crawl away from the mess and realizing that her hands were secured with heavy iron shackles. 

_Where am I? What happened?_

Kiaya became aware that she wasn’t alone. Her eyes darted around the cell that she found herself in. The guards, one templar, wore matching expressions of distrust and anger. Before fear could seize her heart, pain exploded in her left hand. She tried to curl in on herself, hampered by the shackles, green lightning shot up her arm. She could feel the foreign magic twisting and fighting with her own. Whatever it was ended as abruptly as it began; Kiaya stared at her hand, desperately searching her memory for how it came to be there.

She could remember arriving at Haven, when? Yesterday? Kiaya spent a moment holding down the panic of not knowing how much time had passed coupled with not knowing where she was.

Their party had arrived late. It had taken Malcolm, Lydia, and Evie longer than they anticipated convincing Kiaya to take Evie’s place with the delegation. Although after Kiaya had taken one look at her sister, her decision was made. But she made them work for it. So their arrival was after dusk the first day, long after talks already begun. She had been so tired, and it was so dark. She spent all her time watching her steps and feeling very uncomfortable in the circle robes she had long ago run away from.

_I’m not even supposed to be here._

_The alternative would have been what exactly? Evie would be here instead? Would Evie have survived?_

_Fuck._

Everything after that was there but not, like trying to form images in the fog. All except...

Kiaya’s search of her memories was interrupted by the door to her cell opening. Two tall women wrapped in shadows entered the room. As they came closer and into the light, Kiaya’s eyes widened in recognition.

_Andraste’s mercy. This is bad._

\---

Kiaya stood outside the doors of the Chantry, staring at the green glow in the sky. Her hands were still bound, but now with rope and the Seeker had paused to speak to the guards before heading through town leaving Kiaya alone with her thoughts for a moment.

“This can’t be true,” Kiaya whispered. “This can’t be real. They can’t be gone. What am I supposed to do now? How…”

“Alright, let’s go.” Cassandra approached her laying a hand on her elbow. Kiaya struggled not to flinch away at the touch. “Come with me.”

They walked through the rows of tents, and crowds of people began to form, the rumble of angry voices getting louder. Kiaya could feel the anger and the fear building around them like a solid force ready to crush her. The only thing seeming to keep it at bay was the threatening glare that the Seeker aimed at anyone who came remotely close to them, as well as the grip on her sword.

It was an immense relief to reach the gates of the village, away from the hatred and blame for for what was going on. Not that Kiaya knew what was going on. Breathing was much easier without all that anger pounding at her, although the Fade fire falling from the sky was a little concerning.

_Great, I’m getting punchy. That is going to make this so much better. When did I eat last? When did I sleep?_ Kiaya was frantically trying to find the strength that would get her up this mountain. 

“Let’s go.” Cassandra approached her, drawing a knife. She cut through the ropes quickly, turning to look up the hill. “Follow me.”

Kiaya walked behind the Seeker trying to rub life back into her hands. “Seeker? There’s really no one else? Nothing left?” Kiaya couldn’t quite keep the faint hope from her voice.

Cassandra looked back at her, reading the hope in her eyes and feeling the first pangs of sympathy for this mage. “No, there is nothing left. You will see.”

\---

Kiaya was shaking; she was not used to climbing a mountain at such speed. Her knees were throbbing and the muscles in her thighs were starting to ache more and more with each step.

“Seeker, stop!” Varric called out. Kiaya had been so distracted by the constant struggle of making her knees bend that she had forgotten he was behind her; he must have been watching her struggle for a while. Kiaya liked him instantly. His humour and friendly banter made Kiaya feel more relaxed than she had any right to be. Closing the rift with Solas’ help had been excruciating and she was still trying to figure out how it worked. It was like grabbing on to burning coals and pulling them as hard as she could. Which hurt. A lot.

“What is it?” Cassandra asked, annoyance at another delay apparent in her voice. “We are almost at the forward camp. There is no time to lose.”

“Your prisoners have voted, we need to catch our breath,” said Varric as he stopped on the path next to Kiaya.

“I’m fine,” Kiaya snapped but she couldn’t hide the shaking in her legs now that they had stopped moving.

Shame immediately rolled over her at the surprised expression on Cassandra’s face and the amused arch of Varric’s eyebrows. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not fine. Please if I could have a moment, I will be able to move faster.” Kiaya moved to sit on a boulder on the side of the path.

As she sat down, Solas moved over to her. “What is wrong? May I offer my assistance?”

Kiaya smiled at him. His genuine concern for her well being was touching from the otherwise stoic mage. “Thank you for your offer. This is nothing new. I have a trick.”

There was no way she was going to be able to roll up her clothe breeches she was wearing under her robes. She rubbed her hands together, drawing magic into herself. She slowly ran her hands over her legs, first one knee and then the other. As her hands moved, a thin layer of shimmering ice formed and sunk into the leather of her breeches. Frost ferns formed patterns on the surface. Kiaya sighed as the cold and healing sunk into her knees. It was a great relief.

“It has been an age since I have seen water magic handled with such skill.” Solas knelt at her side watching her work.

Kiaya laughed, “My Grams was a watermage. Besides, when you’re a sailor, water magic is important.” All the blood left her face as she realized what she said.

_Damn it Fucking Shit._

“Alright, I’m ready. Let’s get going.” Kiaya couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes, so she didn’t see the thoughtful look on Varric’s face or the calculating one that Cassandra gave her as she filed the information away.

Kiaya’s face was grim as she led the way up the path.

_You need to be careful._


	2. How Could This be Possible?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Chapter Two has now been updated. Huzzah!*

The Commander was furious. _How dare they! How dare she! How could Cassandra and Leliana permit this?_ To allow someone they called prisoner to make decisions and be given freedoms that should never be permitted.

Leliana had just arrived to inform him that the prisoner, a woman who they still didn’t know anything about, Trevelyan, was leading a party through the mountains while they were to distract and clear the path to meet them at the temple. His soldiers were exhausted, and most had never seen combat like this. This was trial by fire.

He was exhausted. His hands were shaking as the last demon fell to his sword and Cullen was taking a chance to catch his breath and take stock of their wounded. There was fewer dead than he expected, but there wasn’t anyone still standing without injury. However, many soldiers down on the ground appeared to be gravely injured. 

Leliana moved to Cullen’s side. “It is clear for the moment; we should press forward if we are to meet up with Cassandra and the others.”

Cullen ground his teeth together, trying to contain the simmering battle rage he was still in the grips of. 

“Listen up,” the Commander’s voice snapped out across the field. “Those still able to fight form up; those unable and those with healing training, assist and escort the seriously wounded back to camp.”

“You too Rylen, go back to base,” Cullen added as his second limped towards him, blood dripping down his leg.

“I can still fight, Ser,” Rylen said through gritted teeth.

Cullen smiled at his second. He had been surprised to find such a friend in the odd templar, but Rylen had proven invaluable time and time again.

“I know you can. I’m sure you will valiantly bleed on everything, but you are going to need that leg later.” Cullen reached over and helped ease him down as Rylen toppled over.

“Healer!” Cullen called as he gave Rylen’s shoulder a squeeze. He stood and turned away as a mage ran over to them and began to assess Rylen’s wound.

Cullen couldn’t ignore the smile on Leliana’s face as she fell into step at his side. “I could say the same thing to you.” She said, motioning to the cut on his shield arm, just below the shoulder. She reached into one of her pouches and drew out a healing draft and handed it to him.

“It’s nothing,” Cullen grunted, but he drank the potion anyway. He immediately felt relief from the pain that he only felt after she had pointed it out.

Moving forward into the devastation created by the blast, Cullen could not suppress the shudder that ran through him at the landscape. He’d been here twice before. Once immediately after it happened, when the landscape was filled with smoke and fire and it was too hot to even walk on the ground. Then again, to retrieve the mage who had fallen out of the Fade.

Even now, a few days later the ground still popped and hissed as it cooled. It was warm and the ash in the air made it hard to breathe. Fade magic twisted and moved through the burned wreckage and tortured earth.

But the worst part was the bodies; people caught where they stood, burned alive, agony etched in their faces.

Cullen wisely ignored the retching sounds of soldiers who had not been here before; being sick at the sight of what was left was not a sign of weakness. No one should feel well surrounded by this nightmare.

As they walked forward, Cullen could feel the tide of red rage coming back. _How could this be possible? How could we place our trust in the one mage who survived, who may have caused it all?_

“She’s not what we expected Commander.”

Cullen jumped, cursing Leliana’s ability to read his mind. “What makes you say that? You didn’t find out anything! We don’t even know her name! Why didn’t you get any answers?!” Cullen was struggling to control the volume of his voice.

“Cassandra and I agreed. We had more pressing matters” Leliana’s knowing smirk always made Cullen feel like he was back in class with Sister Agnes when he was ten. “If she survives there will be time for more questions, if she doesn’t we will find our answers elsewhere.” Leliana shrugged.

“So you don’t know anything,” Cullen stated flatly, aiming a kick at a rock at his feet.

“Yes and no. She was completely honest about all of this.” Leliana waved at the hellish landscape around them. “She seems to know even less than we do. She could barely remember a thing. However, it was obvious that she was hiding who she was.” Leliana laughed, taking delight in her memory of her discussion with Trevelyan. “She is an open book. Her emotions are written on her face. It threw her when we didn’t ask her about herself. It will be interesting to get her answers later.” Cullen felt the first spark of sympathy for the prisoner and what she faced with the Nightingale.

“However, she shows courage, and a willingness to help in any way she can and she hates Roderick.” She finished with a smile.

Cullen snorted. “That’s not difficult.” Cullen had had dealings the Chantry clerk when organizing the soldier’s camp outside of Haven. It was not an experience he had any desire to repeat. “But she didn’t say anything? No information at all?”

Leliana shook her head. “She claims to remember nothing and I don’t believe she was lying.” Cullen didn’t doubt Leliana’s assessment. He had yet to meet the person who could lie to the Nightingale.

“How…”

Cullen was interrupted by Cassandra and Solas rounding the corner to the left of the ruined temple entrance. Cassandra surveyed the area with a critical eye, and upon spying Cullen and Leliana, started to make her way towards them. As she reached the pair, Cullen’s attention was drawn to the woman who entered next with Varric at her side. She was looking at her feet like she didn’t trust them on the uneven ground.

The red-headed mage grabbed his attention immediately. She wasn’t tall, and her figure was soft curves. Her hair was a rich red, and had been braided and twisted up to the nape of her neck. Tendrils of it had been shaken loose, curling around and framing her face, which was dusted with freckles that stood out in stark relief against her pale skin. She had a curious tattoo under her right eye which was bisected by a nasty looking scar; she was lucky not to have lost the eye. The tattoo was surprising to see on a mage who had been in a circle. It was obvious that there was much more to her story that they didn’t know.

Cullen found himself wishing that he was close enough to tell the colour of her eyes.

They were well into the clearing before she looked up and saw the devastation around her. She stopped dead in her tracks; Varric passed her before he stopped too. Her eyes went wide with shock as she took in the death around them. Cullen could see her pale face turn a few shades whiter, and he thought for a moment she would faint. She quickly regained herself, the muscles in her face tightening. She turned and her eyes met his for a moment. He saw tears spill down her cheeks and he knew in his heart that she had nothing to do with disaster around them. 

“Commander? Cullen!” Cassandra’s voice called him back to his surroundings, and he blushed as he realized how distracted he was.

“Sorry, what?”

“Leliana’s scouts say the way forward is clear.”

“Fine, my men and I will keep the exit and the path back clear while Leliana, you and,” Cullen took a steadying breath, “Lady Trevelyan, can move into the temple.”

The next moment the hushed silence of the temple was split by an anguished cry.

\---

Kiaya was just trying to get up the mountain. Closing the rift and saving the scouts had used up her third wind. I have closed two rifts, fought my way up a mountain on gimpy knees, I haven’t eaten, haven’t slept, and haven’t bathed. Kiaya would grimace if she had the energy and could feel her face. Maker I am out of shape. Staring at her feet, concentrating on getting one foot in front of the other was doing nothing to quiet the voices in her head laughing at her for walking to her death like a lamb to the slaughter.

_You can’t do this. You shouldn’t sacrifice yourself, Evie needs you._

“Evie doesn’t need me anymore, she has Danin.”

“Did you say something?” Varric asked just to her left.

Kiaya jumped. She hadn’t realized she spoke aloud. “Oh, I’m sorry Varric. I... I tend to talk to myself sometimes; too much time on my own lately, I guess.”

Varric took a long look at the woman walking next to him. “Everyone has secrets. I have a feeling yours are a bit in high demand right now. I know it can be hardest trying to decide what to say, what to not, and when to lie. Just know that you are not completely alone in this mess.”

“I wouldn’t make a good hero Varric. I am all wrong for that part.”

“That’s what everyone says when they find themselves in this position.” Varric winked.

Kiaya laughed. She couldn’t help it. “I have read your books, but I’m not sure any of your heroes find happily ever after. What makes you think I want any part of that?”

“Aww kid, I’m sorry but you have hero written all over you; alright, a reluctant hero but still a hero.” He chuckled as Kiaya stuck her tongue out at him before looking back at her feet.

Varric’s face turned serious as they rounded the last corner hiding what was left of the temple. “Whatever happens next, you are not alone in this, we all have a lot to lose.” 

“I’m not sure that is a comfort or not.” But Kiaya was only half listening at that point. Varric’s banter has brought her a fourth wind and if she could just get to the Breach and close it then she could rest she hoped.

Kiaya was halfway across the crater before she realized where she was. Her head snapped up as the smell of burning flesh and ash invaded her nose. The explosion must have been massive. Tonnes of rock had been moved; tossed aside like a child’s plaything. Everything was burned. Everyone, everything was burned. Kiaya’s empty stomach heaved as she saw the tormented corpses scattered around the field.

_I was here. I survived. How did I survive?_

As her eyes roamed the crater her eyes met those of the golden man that was standing with the Right and Left Hands of the Divine. So what does that make him? His face was unreadable as he returned his gaze until his attention was called back to Cassandra.

Kiaya blinked. _Why am I staring at a man?_ Her eyes continued around the walls and rocks that littered the ground when the movement of a cloak in Ostwick circle colours caught her eye.

“No. No. No. Nononono.” She heard her own voice screaming as her feet started to carry her forward. She bent the air around her and flew forward with a Fade step and almost sprawled in the ash at their feet.

The cloak of protection has been a powerful one but it had not been enough to save the pair wrapped up in it. Kiaya couldn’t tell if Malcolm and Lydia knew they were going to die or if they had just been taking a moment alone together. She reached out and brushed the cloak with her fingers; it promptly scattered into a fine silver dust. And then she broke. Grief took over and rational thought was gone.

Kiaya threw her hands out and drew as much magic into her as she could. Filling herself up until she could feel it crawling under her skin, rippling through her blood, almost to the point of pain. She pushed her limits, just a little bit more... and then she started to draw.

\---

Cullen couldn’t believe his eyes. 

“Stop! What are you doing!?” Cassandra’s voice cutting sharply across Cullen’s thoughts and propelled him forward; his hand fell to his sword hilt as he moved towards the uncontrolled mage on the ground.

“No, wait.” Solas was blocking Cassandra’s way and he raised a hand as Cullen came level with them. “This magic is not directed at us and breaking her control now would be dangerous to everyone. It might be best to let her finish whatever it is.”

Cassandra started to argue with the elf, but Cullen’s attention was drawn back to the mage at the centre of a small blizzard. The lyrium in his blood started to hum in an unfamiliar manner, not unpleasant but it was unlike anything Cullen had felt before. It made him very nervous.

Trevelyan’s hands were making it snow around her. It looked like one of those Antivan snow globes except human-sized and violent. Cullen could feel the wind rising against the back of his neck and it was warm and wet and smelled of salt and the sea. The wind was starting to blow the snow and ash around with such force that many watching retreated or turning away.

“We have to stop this. She’s out of control.” Cullen started to move towards the mage on her knees beside the remains.

“Wait,” Solas said, raised a hand; although, he didn’t actually touch Cullen’s arm. “She is in control and it would be unsafe for her and us to stop her now. We have to l let her finish.”

“Well, that is a sight you don’t see every day. I thought water magic was just in pirate stories.” Varric was using his taller companions to protect himself from the wind as they watched the mage start to move her hands in slow patterns in front of her.

“It seems our new friend has spent some time in the Isles. She was obviously taught from an early age. This is certainly unexpected.”

“She mentioned a grandmother. Maybe she was the elf? Who is this woman?” Cassandra gave a snort and shifted impatiently. “If she keeps this up we won’t be able to do what we came here to do.”

They all turned and watched as the wind and snow seemed to contract around the mage on her knees. The mage had disappeared in a swirling ball of white. 

Then it was over. Silence fell and everyone seemed to take a collective breath. The snow and ice had been moulded into two people. They knelt together. A templar, a Knight-Commander by the insignia on the armour, and a mage wrapped up in his arms. Her head was resting on his chest and he appeared to be whispering in her ear. It could have been a very tender moment if the pair were not made of colourless ice and ash.

The red-headed mage wasn’t crying, as she sat and stared at the sculpture. She stood slowly and moved closer to the pair. Cullen could see her lips moving but her voice was too low to carry to any of the watchers. She placed her hand on the shoulder of the man and lightly ran her fingers over the cheek of the woman. Stillness filled the hollow as everyone saw the grieve shaking her small frame.

\---

Kiaya was numb. Her mind was overwhelmed by grieve and fear. All the way up the mountain and through the pass she had hoped that they would be alive. That she was not in this mess alone. Malcolm had been the first man since Papa who had treated her as an equal. He was the first templar that showed her how kind and caring they could be. He had saved her when she needed it most. And Lydia, Kiaya had never met a gentler, kinder human being.

“I’m so sorry Love.” Kiaya murmured as she touched the cold face that was all that was left of her friend. “You fought so hard to be together. You didn’t deserve this; you were owed so much better.”

Kiaya shook as she turned from the pair, the pain more then she could handle. As her eyes swept over the onlookers watching her, her gaze was captured by the eyes of the golden man again. His face was unreadable but there was something calming about the way his eyes locked with hers. As she looked at him, moving slowly toward the group as if drawn, her mind narrowed to the task at hand. Kiaya’s eyes were dragged up, to the Breach to the destroyed temple before them.

_You can’t do this._

_I don't have a choice. I have to try._

She strode off towards the entrance of the Temple before anyone spoke. “If I die, my name is Kiaya Rolinin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to be true to the story of the game as well as take it in a direction that is different enough to be interesting at the same time. I am also trying to include as many of the little details that caught my attention as I played the game. (Such as Lydia but more on that down the road). This story is a combination game storylines and my own dreams.


	3. That was Odd and Unsettling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya wakes up back in Haven. She has been swept into the front lines of the events that threaten to rip Thadus apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Updated

Kia was grudgingly dragged from the fade by the light cutting across her eyes. _Bloody hell what did those guys make me drink last night?_ She desperately tried to snuggle deeper into the soft blankets and forget the drink induced nightmares. A feeling of unease prevented her from drifting back to the fade. She was starving, but not nauseous and her head wasn’t pounding like it usually did after a night of the just-one-more-game. The air smelled wrong for a sea trader’s port: no salt or sewage, but snow and woods and ash.

Kiaya sat bolt upright and immediately wished that she hadn't. She took a few steadying breaths and hugged her knees to her chest waiting for the room to stop spinning. Her heart raced as she ran through the memories of the recent past. _It has to be a dream. They can’t be gone._ Pain lanced up her arm as the mark flared and sparked weakly. _Crap, it’s real, all real. I can’t... I don’t..._

“They are gone. They are really gone.” Kiaya choked on the words as bands of guilt wrapped and squeezed her heart. _It’s your fault._ Kiaya’s heart raced, gasping for breath until black dots danced in front of her eyes.

Desperately trying to distract herself from her demons, her eyes roamed around the room she found herself in. It was dim candlelight, all the windows were shuttered against the sun, and the view. Her eyes flashed over the walls and the belongings of the family who lived here. She wondered where they were, why they had left their home with so many belongings left behind. It certainly wasn’t anywhere that she recognized and she started to feel like an interloper.

“I hope that they weren’t forced out for me. That would be horrible.” Kiaya jumped at the raspy sound of her own voice. This brought her sharply back to herself and how hungry and thirsty she felt. Her search of the room had yielded nothing more than a glass half full of stale water at the bedside.

The water eased the dryness in her throat, but it just made her thirstier. As she set the glass down she noticed the sleeve covering her arm. It wasn’t hers. In fact, none of her clothes, excepting her smalls, she checked, were ones she had ever seen and were obviously made for someone taller.

“Shit shit shit!” Kia's hand flew to her neck where it found nothing but skin. The locket that normally sat in the hollow of her throat had disappeared. Hopefully, it was with the rest of her missing belongings and not in the snow somewhere on that mountain. Kiaya scrambled to get untangled from the blankets, driven to find out what was going on. However, as she straightened her knees, pain rocketed up and down her legs and spine.

Her legs and back felt like she had climbed a mountain at a dead run, which she had in fact done. _Stop exaggerating._ Kiaya rolled her eyes. _Maker’s balls, everything hurts. At least I know I'm not dead._

At that moment the door to the cabin opened, flooding the dimly lit space with sunlight. Kiaya had to close her eyes against the glare and by the time she had opened them again, the door was closed.  
“Oh! I didn’t know you were awake, I swear!” And a young elven woman entered the cabin and promptly dropped the bundles that she was carrying.

“Don’t worry about it. I only–,“ Kiaya began at the woman’s obvious distress. She stopped in shock as the women dropped to her knees and bowed to the floor.

“I beg your forgiveness and your blessing. I am but a humble servant.” The woman was trembling as she spoke to the floor, seemingly unable to look at Kiaya. “They say you saved us. The breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand. It’s all anyone has talked about for the last three days!”  
“So you’re saying…. they’re happy with me? I’m not going to be executed?” Kiaya couldn’t believe what she was hearing. _This is all a dream, it has to be, it is just too surreal._  
“I’m only saying what I heard. I don’t mean anything by it.” The women were babbling with nerves as she scrambled to her feet. “I’m sure Lady Cassandra will want to know you’ve wakened. She said ‘at once’!”  
“And where is she?” Kiaya asked but the women had fled into the bright light of day outside. As the door closed Kiaya could hear the voices of many people outside her cabin. “Well, that was odd and unsettling,” she said to the empty room.

She quickly got out of bed and slowly picked up the clothes that had been left on the floor. She found breeches and a duster that was also too big but it would be better than walking around in pyjamas. She moved slowly, trying to relieve her stiffness and soreness. Using healing magic was out of the question until she ate something; otherwise, Kiaya knew she would pass out.

Once she was more or less dressed she approached the door. It wasn’t locked, she was pretty sure, but her nerves rose as she listened to the murmur of voices on the other side. It didn’t sound like an angry mob, but you couldn’t be too sure. Kiaya took a deep breath, placed her hand on the latch and her eye to a crack in the timbers.

“Shit, that’s a lot of people.” As long as Kiaya had known she’d had issues with people: her place was in the background, in the shadows, always trying to hide. Kiaya backed across the room until her back hit a table, pausing to take a few deep breaths. “Face it, put on the mask, breath, and see what’s out there.”

She stood up, crossed the room and opened the door. 

There were soldiers, a lot of soldiers, but they were saluting and the crowds behind them had looks of wonder and curiosity, not the anger that Kiaya was expecting, or most of them did. There were one or two black looks that had Kiaya reaching for weapons that weren’t there.

With slow steps that she forced to be steady, Kiaya made her way through the ranks, her eyes darting back and forth, looking for any sign of attack. The reverence in people’s voices worried her more than if it had been the same anger and blame as the last time she walked through Haven. As she walked people stopped and stared, many of them bowed or saluted her. It made her skin itch.

“What in Maker’s name is going on here?” Kiaya said under her breath. “I’m a nobody, nothing more than a mistake.”

Once she had gotten her bearings she headed to the Chantry, trying to stay as far from people as possible without appearing to take a roundabout route. Thankfully, no one seemed very eager to approach her either. Kiaya hoped that the Seeker would be easy to find, not having answers was setting off her panic.

She paused on the steps to look up at the Breach in the sky, the mark on her left hand throbbing in response. Kiaya looked down at her hand and then back up at the sky. _It didn’t work, it’s still there, I wasn’t enough._ The treacherous voice in her head raked her down.

Everywhere she went conversations would stop, eyes would follow her and the hushed voices whispering ‘Herald’ dogged her footsteps. It was a relief to slip into the cool darkness of the Chantry. Kiaya had always wondered why chantries were always so dark and cold, at least most of the ones she had visited. Not that she had much experience with the Chantry. It had been something to be avoided in her younger years, hiding her magic from anyone who would lock her in a circle. Also, her village had been small: no more than six families, so there wasn’t a Chantry building and the travelling Revered Mother only made rare appearances.

As she approached the back of the Chantry she could hear raised voices from the other side of a solid wood door. They were shouting about her. It was that Chancellor from the forward camp, the sour-faced one, and he sounded just as pleasant as ever. Kiaya struggled to remember his name, she was so bad with names, when her attention was snapped back to the conversation on the other side of the door.

“That mage failed, Seeker. The Breach is still in the sky. For all you know, she intended it this way.”

“I do not believe that.”

Holy crap. She believes me. Hope bloomed in Kiaya’s chest. For the first time since this all began, she felt like she wasn’t walking towards the noose. _Whatever is happening, there’s no way out for me. I am squarely in the middle of it all. If the Seeker is behind me maybe I won’t die as quickly._   
She squared her shoulders and pushed open the door.

\---

Kiaya had a lot to think over. The Seeker’s staunch support against clapping Kiaya in irons was comforting, however, her belief that Kiaya was Maker sent made Kiaya’s skin itch, and a writ from the Divine made her feel ill. Kiaya traced the sun emblazed on the cover of the tome on the table. _This is some serious shit I have fallen into._

“You must have some questions for me. I certainly have questions for you,” Kiaya interrupted the conversation Leliana and Cassandra were having on the other side of the table.

Kiaya got the feeling that Leliana had simply been waiting for her to open the subject of questions; harder to interrogate without the chains maybe. Although with what Kiaya did know about the Nightingale, she was not hopeful about hiding much from the legendary woman.

Kiaya had learned a lot about the Seeker fighting up the mountain with her: she knew that she was a straightforward woman and a strong fighter. That she was confident in herself in a way that Kiaya had never been. Cassandra Pentaghast was the kind of woman Kiaya had always wanted to be.

“We do have many questions for you; however, it would be best to address them with the others present as well.” Leliana’s lips curved into a smirk at the confusion that appeared on Kiaya’s face. “Your answers and ours won’t change anything. We need your mark to close the Breach. That much is clear. And your past, who you are, and why you were at the conclave, doesn’t change that.”

Kiaya forced her mouth closed at this revelation. “You’re not serious. How can my sneaking in not be a problem? How could it have no effect on things?”

“The Divine’s directive to rebuild the Inquisition of old has not changed with her death or your involvement.” If Kiaya hadn’t been watching Leliana’s eyes so closely, she would have missed the shadow that darkened her face for a moment. “Find those who will stand against the chaos. We aren’t ready. We have no leader, no numbers, and now no Chantry support.”

“But we have no choice: we must act now.” Cassandra moved around the table to stand at Kiaya’s side.

“What if I refuse?” Kiaya felt shame colour her cheeks but she had to ask anyway. _If this organization, hell if these women, don’t want me to leave I’m not going anywhere._

“You can go if you wish.” Leliana didn’t blink, almost like she expected this reaction from Kiaya.

“You should know that while some believe you were chosen, many still think you guilty. You are still a target for retaliation. The Inquisition can only protect you if you are with us.” Kiaya was surprised by the concern Cassandra was showing for her safety.

Leliana agreed from across the table, “We can also help you. Not only with those that wish you to pay for the explosion at the conclave, but also with anything else that may be a problem for you.”

_This woman sees everything, be careful around her._ Kiaya’s eyes narrowed as she looked at the knowing smirk on Leliana’s face. She knew people like this: information was power, and it was a power Kiaya was intimately familiar with and loathed.

“We understand that you have questions and for now we will answer your more personal ones before we meet with the others.” Cassandra nodded at Kiaya to proceed. 

Kiaya’s eyes travelled over the map before her. She forced her eyes not to linger on any one point as she organized her thoughts until her eyes settled on Haven and the marker that represented the Breach. 

“My companion’s remains?” Kiaya chocked on the rest of the question.

Sympathy crossed Cassandra's face, “I’m sorry. Whatever you did, it didn’t last. They have, well, melted I think.”

A sad smile crossed Kiaya’s face as she gazed at the marker with shining eyes. “Together forever, as you wanted,” she whispered.

After a moment, she raised her head, “My belongings, I want them back.” Meeting the Nightingale’s eyes.

Leliana met her gaze with a smile. “Everything you had will be returned to you.” Kiaya’s eyes narrowed at the obvious loophole Leliana’s statement. “Although your robes may be damaged beyond repair. Our stores are open to you to find more,” Leliana’s eyes slid over the ill-fitting garments, “suitable attire.”

Kiaya’s eyes narrowed, but her polite smile never wavered, “Thank you, that would be very welcome.”

Cassandra interrupted the growing tension with a snort. “I will show you where to go after everything is settled,” trying to get things back on track.

“It will not be easy if you stay, but you cannot pretend this has not changed you. And you have proven your willingness to do what is needed to close the Breach. With you on our side we will close the Breach, we will find those responsible, and we will restore order, no matter what is in your past,” her eyes slid to Leliana, “or our own.” A smile softened the sharp plains of Cassandra’s face as she extended her arm towards Kiaya. “Help us fix this before it’s too late.”

Kiaya clasped the Seeker’s arm.


	4. Piss Poor and Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya meets her advisers and finds out just how deep she is in.
> 
> Note: Chapter 4 has recently been updated and the last half re-written. I was struck by inspiration but it means a few changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with Updates!!

Kiaya was feeling more herself now that she had some idea of what was immediately in her future. Everything in the immediate past that was not so good but she would obsess about that later. Cassandra had left after showing her where the supplies were located and pointing her to the tavern for food. Everyone still whispered and stared everywhere she went, and the woman behind the bar didn’t ask for any payment. This was good because Kiaya had nothing to pay her with. As she waited to be served, she could feel the eyes of the other patrons on her back and the casual chatter was trying really hard to stay casual. The tavern was starting to feel much more closed in. Kiaya watched her hands tighten on the bar edge until she could tell which knuckles had been broken. The moment the woman returned Kiaya slipped out a side door, bowl and mug in hand.

She pulled the hood of the new-to-her cloak low over her face as she hunched against the back of the building, well out of sight of any passersby on the road. Kiaya ate as slowly as her starving stomach would allow. It was still fast enough that she felt sick when she was finished but it settled after a few deep breathes. As she sipped from her mug, she could hear the villagers and soldiers gossiping about her and the recent events. _I’m in trouble, so much trouble._ Kiaya started to gently rock back and forth trying to block out the doom in her head.

“You won’t be able to hide forever.”

Kiaya hissed and almost leapt out of her skin. “Maker’s balls Varric, don’t you know you can kill someone by doing that?” Kiaya rubbed her chest as she tried to calm her racing heart. “And what do you mean hiding?”

“You’re tougher than that,” Varric chuckled, “I saw you slip out here and crouching in the bushes to eat is considered hiding where I come from. I wanted to see if you want to watch the show?”

“What show?”

“By now Seeker and Nightingale have finished filling in Curly and Ruffles all about your acceptance. Which means history is about to happen.” Varric waved his hands grandly. “Who wouldn’t want to see that?”

Kiaya snorted, “That’s not usually my first instinct. Usually I run the other way.” She stifled a groan as she climbed to her feet and followed the dwarf.   
—-

_Varric is right,_

Kiaya thought as she watched the flurry of activity that was the beginning of the Inquisition. It was exciting to be here and everyone could feel it. She could see it in the eyes of villagers, overshadowing their fear of the Breach. It was in the straight postures of the soldier's shoulders as word spread about what was going on.

_And I’m at the centre of this. Terrifying thought._

Kiaya began to wish she had stayed in the bushes behind the tavern.

“This is insane Varric, it’s too big. I can’t do this. I can’t, I don’t, I… fuck.”

“Yup, that sounds about right. Hawke would say ‘fakes it till you makes it’ and it seems to work for her.” 

Kiaya dissolved into nervous giggles at this declaration. The laughter eased the pressure in her chest and helped to clear her thoughts. “Really? The Champion of Kirkwall would say that?”

“Maker only knows why she’s horribly cheesy. I’ve always had to give her better dialogue in the book. She always thought she was funny too, would dissolve into giggles just like that.”

Kiaya smiled warmly to the dwarf at her side. His easy banter had lifted the weight that had started to weigh on her shoulders so that when she saw Cassandra waving her towards the Chantry she didn’t hesitate. “Here we go. See you, Varric. And thanks,” Smiled at the dwarf as she moved towards the doors, Kiaya could feel her fears returning as she joined the Seeker and headed to the back of the Chantry. As if it knew, the mark stirred within her hand almost like it was enjoying the panic pounding in her chest.

“Does it trouble you?” Kiaya jumped when Cassandra spoke. She had been completely absorbed in the pulsing mark on her hand.

“Yes, no, yes.” Kiaya sighed as she fumbled for an answer. “It doesn’t hurt exactly at the moment, it does feel strange though. I wish I knew what it was. Or how I got it.”

“We will find out,” said Cassandra. “What’s important is that you and your mark are now stable, as is the Breach. You’ve given us the gift of time, and Solas believes that a second attempt might succeed, provided the mark has more power. The same level of power used to open the Breach in the first place he thinks. That is not going to be easy to come by.”

Kiaya choked on a laugh and stumbled over her own feet. “You’re telling me. Holy crap, sounds like fun. What harm could there be in powering up something we barely understand and have even less control of?”

Cassandra chuckled. “Hold on to that sense of humour. We are going to need it I feel.”

The doors opened for them and Kiaya crossed the threshold with a grin on her face.

\---

Time was passing too slowly for Cullen as he waited with Josephine and Leliana in the War Room. The rush of the public declaration had drained away as they had started to outline the monumental undertaking they had before them.

Everything was questions and not enough answers. It was astounding how far rumour and stories could spread in three days. Maker, there were already requests for the Herald of Andraste before she woke up and they still had no idea if she would help. And once she had agreed, everything had shot forward like a mabari attack wave.

_Whatever I think of her methods, Leliana certainly is efficient at getting things started._

Cullen could feel the throbbing of a headache start to build at the base of his skull and pain was starting to shoot down his neck, back and arms. _Maker, please, not now._ Cullen unconsciously began to rub his neck trying to relieve the building pressure.

_Everything depends on her._ Cullen’s doubts flared again as he tried to ignore the pain. He had had three days to process events and he still didn’t know what to make of the mage the villagers were calling the Herald of Andraste. He wasn’t sure where that had started although he had his suspicions, and he couldn’t decide if it was a good or bad thing. This woman was a mystery. What she had done at the Breach site had been kept quiet, amazingly. However, unusual magic made Cullen nervous although he wasn’t sure that wasn’t simply leftover distrust.

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening to reveal the woman in question with Cassandra, both women looking comfortable and relaxed as they exchanged smiles. _That is certainly a mark in your favour if Cass likes you already._ As introduction began, he took the time to really look at the woman who had fallen out of the Fade. 

She was almost a hand shorter then Cassandra and a full head shorter than himself. Her figure was soft, curves more than angles, wider hips and chest with a narrow waist gave her an hourglass figure   
Her cheeks flushed pink when their eyes met and Cullen suddenly realized he was staring and snapped his eyes down to the world map that separated them. He listened while she was introduced to Josephine and when he dared to look up again she was smiling politely as she spoke to Leliana, although her eyes were weary.

He thought he was ready when Cassandra began to introduce him to the mage across the table, but he lost his words the moment she looked at him again, and his response came out much harsher then he wished.

“Such as they are. We lost many soldiers in the valley, and I fear we will lose many more before this is all through.” 

\---

Kiaya blinked at the bitterness in the words from Commander Cullen. _Either he cares deeply about his men or he resents my decision to take the path, or both._ Either way, it was enough to clear her head of the anxiety that was fogging her brain. Kiaya squared her shoulders.

“I am pleased to meet you all. I understand the basic idea of what we are going to try and accomplish here. However, before we begin: my belongings... please.”

Leliana smiled as she retrieved a tied bundle of cloth and placed it on the table in front of Kiaya. Kiaya’s fingers hovered over the bundle, itching to tear it apart to search for the locket, however, the interested glint in Leliana’s eyes stayed her hand.

“I am sorry, my Lady...” Josephine’s swallowed nervously, “your robes were mostly destroyed. I had them cleaned however, I am unsure that you will be able to make use of them again. Please, if there is anything that you want that our supply officer can’t provide, let me know. I will do my best to provide..” Josephine smiled warmly across the table at Kiaya. 

Leliana was not one to waste an opening. “Shall we start with an easy one? What is your name?”

With as much nerve as she could muster, Kiaya met the woman’s eyes, “By choice, my name is Kiaya Rolinin. By blood, I am Kiaya Trevelyan, bastard child of Lord Trevelyan.”

“Are you sure?” Josephine sounded both shocked and concerned, but Kiaya could find nothing but sincere care in her eyes.

“As sure as I can be. I have only the written word of my mother. I look like him and his other children and he certainly didn’t deny it when we first met. I am confident that I am a Trevelyan. I am also confident that I am not a welcome part of the family. I have never been a Lady.” Kiaya struggled for a smile to soften her words. “I know that my identity will play a role in your plans. I also understand that the name Trevelyan comes with advantages and disadvantages.” Kiaya took a deep breath as her eyes slid from face to face around her. She had given some thought to her next move. Not as much as she would have liked, but then she had only been awake a few hours. 

“If you wish to benefit from the Trevelyan name for your cause you can, however, the name Evelyn Trevelyan would carry more weight. She is also out of favour with Lord Trevelyan but not so much that the devout asshole wouldn’t swoon over this Herald of Andraste thing.” Kiaya could feel her face pinching in distaste, and she paused while she stamped it down.

I am willing to take whatever name you wish me to, play whatever role is needed. Although I will not lie if asked a direct question, I will not openly dispute the Herald of Andraste title that seems to have become popular since I am sure it could be useful to you,” she glanced up at the hooded woman across from her, ”if it hasn’t already.” Kiaya spoke very slowly, controlling the tremor in her voice, her hands and her legs. She couldn’t quite hide the slight look of distaste that flashed across her face although she smoothed her features quickly. Her eyes were drawn back to the Commander’s face, which was unreadable as he listened to her speak. She could feel the colour rise in her cheeks and she swallowed, trying to remember her next thought.

“Why were you at the Conclave under another name?” Cassandra asked abruptly, drawing Kiaya’s attention back to the others in the room.

Kiaya chose her words carefully. “It was discovered that there was a contract taken out on Evelyn Trevelyan’s life, and there was a plan in place for during the Conclave. Evelyn is my sister. Knight-Commander Malcolm and Senior Enchanter Lydia believed I was better... suited to...” Kiaya struggled to find the correct words. “Counter the attempt.” Kiaya breathed slowly. The perfectly controlled faces of those listening to her were starting to rattle her defences a bit. “I was asked to attend in her place with Knight-Commander Malcolm and Senior Enchanter Lydia and I agreed.”

“How were you acquainted with the Knight-Commander of the Ostwick circle? It’s unusual for any mage without rank to be so connected.” The Commander’s words and tone were tight, clipped, and Kiaya couldn’t help give him credit for how little suspicion leaked though the neutral expression he had worn since her entrance.

“I was a resident there for a number of years. In fact, Malcolm was the first templar that I met there. He was...” Kiaya’s choked on a wave of grief as she lost her thoughts for a moment in her memories.

She was called back sharply by Leliana’s voice, “You were not a current resident of the circle then?”

Kiaya blinked slowly while she considered the other redhead across the table. Stay focused. Grieve later. “I was not. I left the protection of the Circle as the Blight struck Ferelden.”

“Was it usual for mages to leave freely from the Ostwick Circle?” Something in Leliana’s face gave Kiaya the feeling that the Nightingale already knew the answers before she asked them. It was starting to spark enough anger in Kiaya to override the panic at being the centre of attention. Maker, she is so fucking smug. Kiaya thought.

Kiaya spoke firmly, narrowing her eyes at the spymaster and returning the smirk with one of her own. “During my time there I became close with Malcolm and Lydia who, as you probably already know, was instrumental in putting what was left of Ostwick circle back together after the mage/templar began.”

“As was Lady Trevelyan, if the rumours are to be believed,” Leliana interjected.

Kiaya was not going to be led in this conversation. Evie was safer far away from all of this and by now, hopefully, the next plan was in motion. “I was familiar with the ideas that the Ostwick party wanted to bring to the Conclave, and I could work with Malcolm to stop any assassins before...”

“You were killed,” Cassandra finished her sentence. “You were using yourself as bait?” Cassandra seemed personally insulted by this idea. “You’re not even... you are a mage.”

Kiaya couldn’t help but grin at the taller woman “And so is she. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but I am more experienced with dodging assassins, so it was the best option.”

She sighed. “I wasn’t at the Conclave with any motive beyond protecting my sister. And that is exactly what I intend to continue to do.” Kiaya motioned to the map and markers spread out impressively before them with her marked hand. It sparked and pulsed right on cue, causing a small gasp to escape Lady Josephine and a sharp intake of breath from the grim Commander. Kiaya mentally laughed at the mark’s dramatic timing but it also seemed to have used the small amount of energy that Kiaya currently possessed. She suddenly felt very sick and dizzy, and her knees shook noticeably, so much so that she had to grip the table edge to keep from pitching over. “This is a threat to everyone and everything. This magic is not friendly.” She tightened the grip of her left hand.

Kiaya’s control was gone, and all she could think about was moving on, getting through this and lying down. Her words tumbled from her. 

“The immediate problem before us is what name I am going to be using. The issue with using Evelyn’s name is that we are not sure who paid for the contract, although I have my suspicions. I am sure Lord Trevelyan will appear wanting control of his now valuable youngest daughter,” the venom was clear in Kiaya’s voice, “and the moment he realizes it’s really me... well, that would be a show worth watching but not one I am personally interested in experiencing.”

Kiaya slowly straightened, no longer leaning heavily on the table, although her marked hand didn’t let up the death grip she had on the table. “Evelyn Trevelyan would be the most beneficial, Kiaya Trevelyan would be the most practical maybe, it was my name in the circle. However, that would mean nothing but animosity from the Trevelyan family.”

“Who I am brings nothing to the table. Kiaya Rolinin is a nobody from nowhere. ‘Piss poor and proud’...,” Kiaya’s voice hitched, “As he’d say.”

The room filled with silence as everyone seemed to absorb everything she had said. 

Kiaya’s voice was shaking and tired, “Please decide who you want me to be. Then we can move on and fix this hole in the sky and after that,” Kiaya squared her shoulders and raised her chin, meeting everyone’s eye in turn, “We shall see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back for the fourth chapter. I am really glad that you have enjoyed this story to get this far. 
> 
> I am going to take a little break to survive the holiday season, never a good time for me, and to try and get a bit more ahead in my chapter, and there is so much art to draw...
> 
> I promise there will be more soon.


	5. Always Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya struggles to deal with the new path her life has taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Updated

The moment Kiaya had arrived back in the cabin she sat on the bed and tore open the bundle that was all she had left of her belongings. The robes were nothing more than scraps of cloth holding the bundle together. Her leather breeches were completely serviceable, and her shirt was fine beyond a slice in the arm and some blood stains. It would be nice to have a change of clothes. Her sketchbook was gone, but she had expected as much. It was too easy to lose, and there was so much to learn in its pages.

Kiaya was stalling as she tried to fight off the panic about the necklace. The last thing in the bundle was her coin purse. At the sight of it, Kiaya’s eagerness suddenly turned cold and her hands shook as they hovered over the small leather bag.

“What are you waiting for?”

_You are always afraid._

“That’s stupid and sort of untrue.” Kiaya’s voice trembled as she spoke aloud in the empty room. “What is the worst thing that can happen? You don’t get it back? It’s just a locket.”

Kiaya sat frozen as she trembled with an internal battle.

“Open. The. Damn. Bag.” Kiaya growled through gritted teeth as the mark throbbed, tinting the leather green. 

In one move she opened the bag and dumped the contents on to the bed in front of where she sat. She held her breath as her eyes roamed over the metal pieces pooled together, trying to distinguish the right shape and colour of her locket. The moment her eyes focused on it and her fingers wrapped around the familiar object, the air whooshed out of her lungs as she fell on to her back, tears of relief streaming silently down her temples and soaking into her hair.

She had fallen asleep like that, fully dressed, clutching the locket in her hand. 

\---

Kiaya opened her eyes after barely enough sleep. As she lay there listening to the sound of a sleeping world, the early hour and the solitude began to release her demons.

It had taken ages for Kiaya to speak of the anxiety she didn’t understand or the darkness in her mind that forced her to believe the worse of herself. With the events leading to her arrival at the circle and those horrible first few years, the only thing keeping her alive was Evie and the promise she had made long ago. 

Kiaya shook her head and forcefully rolled off the bed, the familiar pattern of her thoughts leading her down to the dark hole that she so often found herself trapped in. She fastened the necklace around her throat and quickly changed into the breeches and shirt from her old life. She added the lightly armored coat she had chosen instead of robes. Kiaya hated robes with a passion, and she had decided while struggling up the temple valley that she would rather run around this country of ice and snow butt-ass naked then try to run and fight in robes ever again. However, the poor selection of lighter armor in the Inquisition supplies had almost called her bluff. Thankfully, it had been decided that she, Cassandra, Varric, and Solas would not leave to meet this Mother Giselle for a few days, to give all of them time to recover. She had taken advantage of the chance, and had spoken to the blacksmith, placing an order for light armor that would actually fit.

_If I’m going to do this I’m going to do it as comfortable as possible._

_You can’t do this and you know it. You will only get more people hurt._

“None of this is my fault,” Kiaya whispered to the room.

_But you’re still involved. Where you go people get hurt._

Kiaya tried to forcibly ignore the dark thoughts whirling in her mind, fuelled by the grief, exhaustion and fear that had been her waking life for what seemed like weeks. She had to get out, distract herself, do something, anything. She fastened her cloak around her shoulders and tucked a knife into the hidden sheath at her back.

She would bet her last coin that both the Spymaster and the Commander had set a watch on her cabin. She debated for a moment whether it was worth the energy to cast a spell to hide from watching eyes before she wrapped herself in silence and shadow. She slipped out of the cabin and out of the village.

_I need to think, plan, clear my head._

_You’re running away._

_I am not. I just need space to think, to breathe._

_You might be running in circles but you are still running._

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

It had been Lydia who had been the first person after Kiaya’s grandmother to really get past the barriers She had built around herself and who had started to help her trust again. Her mind shied away from the memories of her journey to the circle and the life she had found there, both good and bad. All her memories brought hurt and pain that she wasn’t ready to face yet. She instead tried to concentrate on the mantra Lydia had given her.

_Breathe. Ride the lows; they end. Remember the highs; they will come again._

As she faded from tree shadow to tree shadow, putting as much distance between the village buildings as she could, she chanted under her breath, trying to drown out her doubts and fears.

I am strong. I am loved. This will pass.

\---

Cullen was up early, before there was even a hint of dawn in the sky. He had gotten used to waking early as a recruit and it gave him comfort to stick to that routine. It was a small comfort.

Last night’s dreams had been different. He could feel heat rising in his face. _It’s not unusual to dream of her. She’s the centre of all this, she’s the key to closing the Breach, of course she would be on my mind._ Cullen busied himself getting ready to start his day. He preferred to get his own fighting drills out of the way early; easier to avoid the constant interruptions that the rest of the day brought.

As he got dressed, his mind slipped back to yesterday and his first actual meeting with the woman he now knew as Kiaya Trevelyan. He was not convinced that the benefits of using the Trevelyan name outweighed the negatives, but Josephine was firm in her belief that it would help. She and Leliana also had plans to use Evelyn Trevelyan’s name as well. His concern was not alleviated when he had asked the Herald if they would come after her, and she had joked about it.

But Josephine seemed very confident in her ability to work this to their advantage. She would know. Cullen would never like politics no matter what form they came in, and was happy to leave it to the skills of Josie and Leliana. However, the safety of Haven and all of its occupants was his concern, and he still hadn’t figured out the best way to ensure that any more attacks against the Herald would be prevented, especially if they were going to involve hired professionals in the future. 

He had hoped to have a chance to talk to her himself after the meeting had concluded, however, the Herald had not seemed eager to talk to him or anyone, having bolted from the room at the first opportunity. Cullen had noticed how she had stiffened when he was introduced as well as when his history as a templar had come up in discussion. He tried to ignore the irritation that these reactions kept sparking in him, but it was one step at a time. 

Cullen prepared for his daily training routine, dressing in a light shirt and pants with his sword strapped at his side. Shield and armour drills were better with a sparring partner. His early morning drills were just for him, to centre him, to sweat off the nightmares and headaches and pain in his muscles that seemed to be almost constant since he had given up lyrium.

He left his tent. It still bothered him how easily everyone seemed to defer to this woman that they still knew so little about. Leliana was still waiting to receive information from the Ostwick Circle, and she was frustrated that it was taking so long. Something was going on there, she was sure of it, and had dispatched some of her spies to find out what it was. Cullen would admit that they needed the power to close rifts, but it was premature to bring her into the top ranks of the Inquisition. Cassandra, however, and surprisingly Leliana, had insisted.

He scowled as he tried to silence the echoes of the vitriol that Knight-Commander Meredith had fed him through the years in Kirkwall. It had been four long years and his guilt at his compliancy with her hatred methods still haunted him.

Cullen was lost in his thoughts as he walked the path outside of town. As he neared the quiet grove of trees that served as the fallen’s temorary resting place, he suddenly heard a raised voice that snapped his body into action even before his ears realized what he had heard.

_Maker, please don’t tell me I have failed already…_

Cullen broke through the undergrowth blocking his view, sword in hand, and froze just before crossing into the clearing. 

—-

Kiaya wandered in circles around the village, keeping out of the way of the patrols, for what felt like hours. Dawn had finally made an appearance, filling the hills with a pearly grey light, tinged with the sickly green from the Breach that seemed to reach everywhere. Kiaya found herself in a clearing filled with snow covered mounds neatly laid out in rows. It took her a moment to realize where she was. She had emerged into a grove almost completely surrounded by trees. She could see a path that touched the far side, probably leading back to the village. It was what filled the grove that sucked the breath from her body and made her heart lurch and stutter. It was beautiful; the silent rows of wrapped bodies were covered with fresh snow, forming gentle rows of white that cast sharp black shadows in the early morning light. The entire grove was a field of white and black waves. 

Kiaya was hit by a wave of grief and guilt that caused her body to shake. This was where they had chosen to rest the dead that were recoverable from the temple as well as the soldiers who fell fighting the demons at the temple.

“How can I bear this?” Her own faint voice barely reached the edges of the clearing, but the effect of breaking the silence was immediate. 

“You’re the Herald of Andraste... this is your fault... you killed her... YOU KILLED HER...”

She whirled around to see a young elven woman rising from the snow not ten feet away.

_You fucking idiot, you **know** people are trying to kill you._

The woman was shaking, body tense like a bow string but something in her face stopped Kiaya from drawing her dagger. 

_I hope I’m reading this right._

The woman attacked her.

\---

Cullen was on the wrong side of the clearing to do anything but stand and watch. 

The young girl had flown at Kiaya with no skill or training behind her but pure fury in her favour. The girl was taller than the Herald, but was thin as a sapling. The Herald was close to twice her weight, which she used to her advantage as she ducked under the first wild swings aimed at her head, and wrapped her arm arms around the girl’s body pulling her into a secure embrace.

Cullen watched as the Herald held the girl tightly as she flailed against the woman’s back, then almost as quickly collapsed against her sobbing onto her shoulder. The two women sank to their knees in the snow; the words the Herald was saying were overrun by the sobs coming from the girl. 

Cullen slipped deeper back into the shadows of the trees, shaking his head in disbelief as he silently sheathed his sword. He kept his hand on the hilt, watching the two women talking.

His sudden relief at seeing the Herald unharmed and not in any danger quickly gave way to confusion, and the whole situation didn’t do much to alleviate his worries from before. He watched as the Herald got the girl back on her feet and helped her gather up her meager belongings from under the snow. He was too far way to hear the whispered words but they shortly resulted in the elven girl heading toward the village. How could that have possibly worked?

\---

Kiaya watched as Lyra disappeared into the trees. She hadn’t chosen to take the path, which was probably a good thing since the Commander was barely managing to remain concealed as it was. She attempted to surreptitiously wipe away the tears and snot that were the result of the emotional conversation she just finished.

The sound of footsteps was quickly muffled by the powder on the ground and after only a few moments, silence descended on this resting place of the dead. Kiaya told herself that she wanted to wait until the young woman was well away before she called the Commander out of hiding but in truth she was trying to calm herself and it wasn’t working. Her mind swirled with thoughts and memories, each one coming faster than the last. Waves of panic crashed over her; her lungs unable to draw air, and her vision started to dim around the edges.

_I can’t, I can’t do this. Not now._

The sound of the snow crunching as the Commander shifted his weight brought Kiaya sharply back to herself. 

_Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale._

_I am stronger than this fear._

“You can come out now Commander.” _Good, steady voice, just get out of here without being an ass._

“Herald, are you alright?” Cullen moved around the edge of the clearing, approaching her quickly. Kiaya kept her head slanted down looking at the man as he drew near. _Maker’s fuck he’s big, I mean tall, I mean, Shut up._

“Herald?” _He’s talking to you answer him..._

“What? Of course I am alright. What the fuck are you doing following me?”

_Wait. Why are you attacking him? He didn’t do anything!_ Her emotions were determined to run the full gambit today and when the panic had been corralled the anger had rushed into take its place.

She could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes as her words froze him to the snow. The accusation in her words, and the sharpness in her tone had not sparked his own temper, surprisingly, as he instantly stiffened his posture and his brow drew down into a scowl. “I wasn’t following you. No one is following you. I heard shouting as I passed and came to investigate. I am glad my aid was unneeded however, if my presence is unwelcome I will leave.”

He spun on his heels and strode off as quickly as he had approached. Kiaya watched him go, her rage now at herself where it belonged.

“I am such an idiot.” She groaned aloud and dropped her face into her hands. “Ok that’s it: no more human contact until you can behave yourself.” 

Waves of self loathing were lining up to drown her as soon as she let them. With one more regret filled look in the direction the Commander had gone, Kiaya slowly made her way back towards her cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, I always wish everyone could hear the 1920-30s soap-opera-radio-story-narrator voice that goes off in my head.
> 
> 'Next time on _Red Sky in the Morning ..._
> 
> Is that weird? It feels weird.


	6. Lie Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More is revealed about Kiaya's secrets while she dreads making the decisions that will affect the history of Thedas.
> 
> Note: Chapter 6 has recently been updated and small parts have been re-written. I was struck by inspiration but it means a few changes.

“Maker, I cannot wait for a real bed.” 

Kiaya looked up from the report she was reading and grinned at the beginning of the familiar complaints from the Seeker.

“Really, Seeker? No one would ever guess how much you dislike sleeping on the ground.” Varric rolled his eyes.

Kiaya couldn’t hide her giggle at Cassandra’s familiar grunts of disgust at the dwarf, and she knew she had to interrupt before their nightly ritual of bickering got started. “A long ride will put us back in Haven tomorrow. Then Cass will get her bed, Varric will have real food from a real kitchen, and I will get to be clean once more.”

“And then Chuckles will be the one wishing to be somewhere else,” Varric added. Solas looked up from the mending he was doing and smiled at the dwarf. No matter how hard he tried, Varric could never get the elf to rise to his bait. 

She had learned a lot about her companions’ quirks in the many weeks that had followed her recruitment to the Inquisition. They had left Haven a few days after she had woken up and they had been on the move ever since. The Hinterlands were in more chaos than the reports had first made apparent, and it had taken much longer to put things back to right. Thankfully, both she and Cassandra had agreed that things needed to be taken care of before returning to Haven. It had made denying the adviser’s pleas, and the eventual orders to return to Haven, easier to ignore. Once things had settled down they had only stayed in Haven a few days to report in and resupply, then they were off to Val Royeaux via the Storm Coast. The city had been chaotic and threatening. Kiaya was still thinking through the Lord Seekers actions, as well as the meeting in Redcliffe with the mages. The whole thing had been exhausting and it left Kiaya with a very uncomfortable situation to face when they did arrive in Haven.

Her attention was caught again as Cassandra and Varric started arguing in earnest. They never really stopped picking at each other, and Kiaya was starting to wonder why. She finished going over the last report, added her notes to the bottom and slipped it into the completed packet. She stretched her arms above her head and rolled her shoulders and back into the log she was leaning on. Solas raised his brows at the symphony of pops and cracks coming from her spine and legs.

“By the sounds of it ma' falon, you are the one who needs a proper bed,” Solas commented with a smile.

“Oh, I have always sounded like that. I think it’s more the fact that I sit all hunched over so much and my posture is dreadful.” Kiaya stretched her legs out in front of her and leaned back against the log that she and Solas were sharing. She gasped as her knee clicked and popped sideways and then back again. “Fasta Vass, my knees.” 

Solas’ lips twitched at the explanation but it was an opening. “I know that you have refused my assistance, but I cannot help but offer again. I have watched you throughout our journeys and you keep pushing yourself. I only wish to help, please, let me have a look and see if there is anything I can do.”

She snorted and then sighed, shaking her head, “I know you think I am just being pig-headed. Fuck, I **know** I am being pig-headed, but others have tried to help before and it hasn’t really...”

Her deflection was interrupted as they both turned to watch Cassandra storm off, then they stared at Varric.

“What?”

“Look you, I don’t know what you have said now, but I’m not going to calm her down tonight. I’m tired and I hurt. Go say you are sorry and mean it, you fucking smart ass.”

Varric howled with laughter until Kiaya quickly joined in and even Solas started to smile. “Alright Smudges, I’m going. I’m going.” Varric got to his feet as she started tossing small stones across the fire at him. He quickly disappeared into the growing shadows. 

“That dwarf is insanely light on his feet. Anyway, I should get some sleep.”

“Not before you tell me how your knees became so damaged.”

Kiaya leveled a dry look at the elf.

Solas’ stare was drier. “You need treatment, and I need to understand what to treat.” Kiaya fought and failed to hide the painful memories flashing across her mind. She closed her eyes and hugged her knees to her chest despite their screams of protest. Solas placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not weakness to accept help. All those people that you helped, do you see them as weak? Then it is not a weakness in you.” She felt another spasm of pain in her chest and she saw Ja’rell’s face flicker across her memory.

“Kiaya, look at me. “ Solas squeezed her shoulder until she turned and met his eyes. “I just need to know the physical effects and anything you used for treatment would help also. I do not believe you have anything to be ashamed of, however,” Solas paused as she tried to pull away “It is your story to share.”

She could see nothing but the concern on his face, concern and a sadness that she didn’t understand. The throb in her knees was the final push she needed.

 

“Alright Solas. I will tell you what you need to know.” She took a deep breath as she slowly smoothed magic into her knees to dull the pain. “But you are not looking at them until we are back at Haven. Tonight I am too tired and too sore.”

“I will settle for information for now, then.” Solas settled back on his seat and continued working on his mending.

Kiaya released her hold on her knees and eased them flat once more. She ran her hands over her legs again, something she had done many times over the last couple of weeks. She idly started manipulating the frost crystals, like she was sketching with ice. It took her a long time to speak.

“They have never really been right, I think, although I have no memory of them not causing me pain. My legs do not seem to fit together right.” Kiaya winched as her nerves caused her accent to slip and her demons to titter. “My knees would come apart at the slightest thing all the time. As I grew it became daily.”

“Grams and Papa didn’t know. I didn’t think anything was wrong. I believed the pain was normal.”

Kiaya fell silent as she carefully picked through her memories. “When I was eighteen I fell, badly, and caused a lot of damage.” _Fuck, lie better._ She forged on. “By twenty, I couldn’t walk without pain and stairs...” She swallowed. “A Dalish healer who I met in the circle convinced me that he could help. And he did: but the price was high. It gave me back my ability to move. However, they are far from pain-free. Cold weather or damp makes them ache, which is ironic because I use cold to treat them.”

She smiled sadly as she smoothed on another layer of numbing, then she stared into the fire for several moments, listening to the crack and hiss of steam escaping the logs. “I try to not push them too hard.”

Solas snorted.

“Well, maybe I don’t try very much and I take things for the pain but mostly I just live with it. It’s all I know, really.”

Kiaya could feel his eyes as he silently waited for her to continue. When the silence had stretched and it became obvious that she wasn’t going to say any more Solas spoke, “I am-”

“Don’t. Don’t be sorry, don’t pity me, don’t treat me like this somehow makes me less.” She shuddered at the bitterness in her own voice.

“I was going to say, I am glad you shared this with me. It gives me a good idea how to help you and where to look for more information. We will discuss it more once I have had a chance to do some research.” 

Kiaya couldn’t help but chuckle at the poorly hidden eagerness in the elf’s voice. The first thing that she figured out about Solas, in fact, the only thing she had learned about the mysterious mage, was that he love of puzzles and research. But his research was in the fade. It was fascinating.

She winced as her knees throbbed through the chill of the healing spell. _Well, that was a short relief._ Maybe he will have better luck finding something to help. It had taken days for her legs to get used to walking distances again, and all of her willpower to keep going. She had spent nights silently shaking in the tent she shared with Cassandra, trying not to wake the other woman. Time passed and her legs had gotten stronger and used to it and the pain lessened. But now they had horses, and while her feet and legs were very grateful to not be running all over the hills, sitting on horseback was very uncomfortable on her back and would take getting used to. _Maybe he can at least make them adapt faster._ Kiaya sighed.

Her discouraged line of thinking was interrupted by Cassandra striding through camp and straight into their tent. Shortly after that Varric sauntered back to the fireside, looking like the cat that got into the cream.

“Please tell me you didn’t piss her off more.”

“I was the perfect gentleman, I swear.” Varric was looking particularly smug.

She didn’t have the energy so she let the subject drop. “Who has first watch?”

Varric chuckled. “Me of course, Seeker’s orders.” 

“And I will take the next.” Solas rose to his feet, and nodding his head at the two still seated, and disappeared towards the tents. 

Silence fell around the camp, and even the fire seemed to be trying to be quiet. Kiaya didn’t make a move toward the tents. For all that she was exhausted, she could not stop her mind from running in circles, her demons whispering dark thoughts in her ear. She started to go over the events at Val Royeaux and Redcliffe. She felt lost and overwhelmed, but she knew upon their return to Haven she was going to have to make a choice and it was not one she was looking forward to making. 

_You’re going to make so many people angry. It will make him angry._

She had been scared to face Cullen after her horrible behaviour in the glen. It had seemed like a good idea to simply avoid him, and since he didn’t seem eager to approach her either, it was easy to leave for the Crossroads without apologizing like she should have. She felt shame every time she thought of the hurt on his face when she had snapped at him. She thought of him often and dreamed of him more then she would care to admit. Now she was going to probably push him farther away.

It’s not about him.

_But you want it to be._

“So, Herald,” Varric’s voice cut through the thoughts fogging Kiaya’s mind.

“Don’t call me that,” Kiaya voice was heavy with sadness.

“I just wanted to get your attention. I’ve seen that look before.”

“What look? I don’t have a look.” 

“Yes, you do, in fact you have many looks. This one is the ‘I-am-picking-apart-every-bad-choice-and-mistake-I-have-ever-made-and-blaming-myself’ look. Now why aren’t you sleeping?”

Kiaya eyes were unfocused as she started to draw in the dirt with her fingers. 

“You’re not looking forward to returning to Haven tomorrow.” It wasn’t a question. She shrugged and hunched her shoulders more, trying to make herself smaller. 

Moments passed while she stared at nothing until Varric broke the silence again. “You’ve seemed more comfortable recently, more open.” Varric pulled out a flask from somewhere, crossed to sit at her side and handed it to her. “Why the difference now?”

Solas would have left her to brood, Cass would start to fuss and threaten, but Varric would not take ‘fuck off’ for an answer. He was all kindness and comedy, putting people at their ease and plying them with liquor. Kiaya had come to trust him the first night he had found her panicking in the bushes, giving her paper to draw on and calming her down. He had kept that information about her to himself, and had given her paper and pen every time he recognized the panic shaking her hands.

Kiaya knew he was determined to get information. He just sat at her side, waiting and passing the drink back and forth. It was a horribly effective method to get her to talk. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Everyone looks at me differently in Haven, like I am something special, Andraste’s Herald, whatever that means. It’s... I don’t like what that feels like.”

“All the hard work that you have done for folks here has caused a lot of talk about you as well. How is that different?”

“I’m not crazy about that either, but at least that is for honest work, or at least I can pretend it is.” she saw Varric grin out of the corner of her eye. “I’m not a good choice for a religious figure.”

“Who is? You’re not a believer then.”

“No. Well, sort of.” She chuckled at the warmth the alcohol had brought to her cheeks and her inability to form words. She glanced sideways at Varric. His face was open, honest, with his ever-present cheeky grin. She sighed and looked back into the fire.

“Papa was. Many sailors are, but he never spoke of it. It was something private to him, I guess. Kiaya stopped talking before said something that was too much of a risk.

“And your Grams was elven.”

Kiaya’s mouth thinned at the blunt statement from the dwarf. “Yes. The woman I called Grams was elven and taught me some elven water magic.” 

Varric laughed “’The woman I called Grams was elven.’ If that’s not a beautiful dodgy answer, I don’t know what is. It’s alright, Smudges, I won’t push anymore.”

“Smudges? You're calling me Smudges now? That seems pretty obvious and a bit flimsy. I would have expected better from the renowned author Varric Tethras.” If Kiaya was relaxed enough to tease the dwarf then that bottle had been stronger then she thought.

“Not flimsy one bit, my nicknames are perfect.” Varric rubbed at a mark of dirt on the side of her face as the two laughed quietly together.

Kiaya’s insides were warm and fuzzy. It was a nice feeling, and the walls she had built to hide herself were weakening.

“So being called the Herald of Andraste bothers you, but you hide it. Why?”

She picked at some non-existent dirt on her leg, “I know that people need hope and something to believe in when the world gets ripped apart. I just wish...” Her voice went soft, unable to voice regret.

“You wish you had something to believe in, and you can’t believe in yourself.”

 _Damn, he is good._ Kiaya met the eyes of the dwarf, seeing only sympathy and kindness.

“I’m trying,” she whispered.

“Well Smudges, if you can’t that’s ok. Just keep doing what you have been doing. It seems to be working. Now, do I have to drag you to your bedroll and tie you in it? We have all the watches covered, , so you are to sleep. Or do I have to pour you another drink?” Varric theatrically flourished yet another flask that seemed to appear magically in his hand.

“Oh no, I have had enough; much more and I won’t wake up until noon.”

“I will keep that in mind for when we are back in Haven. You could use a long rest.”

She stuck her tongue out at the dwarf, a childish gesture but one that she never seemed able to stop doing, as she slowly got to her feet. The alcohol had fuzzed out enough of the aches in her back and knees and muted the doubts and self-loathing that she had been tormenting herself with earlier.

The two froze as they heard hoof beats on the road. It was very late for travellers. Kiaya reached for the dagger she always had on her and Varric picked up Bianca from where he had placed her. They both waited in silence for the approaching horseman. There was a notable exhale of relief around the fire when the rider’s insignia came into the light. 

“Herald, I am glad I have caught you. I have a message for you.” 

As the messenger dismounted Kiaya turned away, taking a moment, she closed her eyes, touching the locket lightly and bowing her head.

“Deep breathe Smudges. You’re ok.” Her eyes snapped open to stare at him. Varric was studiously not looking at her, having magically produced a notebook, pencil and reading glasses while her attention was elsewhere. She watched him as his pencil started to scratch across the page.

Kiaya could hear the scout’s approaching footsteps behind her, just as she began to turn away he smirked and flashed her a wink. She greeted the scout with a smile in her eyes, accepting the letter from his hand.

“Thank you. Are you resting or do you need to return tonight?”

“Your response must be returned tonight, Ser. I will water my horse and leave as soon as you have written a reply.”

Kiaya sank down onto the log next to Varric. As she broke the seal she shivered as she recognized the Commander’s strong handwriting.

Moments passed with nothing more than the pop and hiss of the fire burning low, and Varric pretending not to try and angle a peek at the letter.

Kiaya swore, softly but louder then she intended, glancing guiltily in the direction that the scout had gone. She groaned, “No rest for us yet. Lazy Tits, that is in the complete opposite direction.” She scrambled to pick up the map that she carried. She still found land travel confusing: every hill and tree looked exactly the same, and she had no idea how to judge distances yet so she was never far from a map.

“So we are not heading back to Haven in the morning then?”

“No we are not. Short notes, some of our soldiers have gone missing and they found more rifts in a place called...” She paused as she tried to find it on the map, “Fallow Mire. Who names a place that? That sounds fucking awful.”

Kiaya continued to read as she paced back and forth before the fire until she reached the last paragraph which caused her to stop dead in her tracks.

“You’re blushing Smudges, what’s up?”

“I...ah.. It’s nothing. Shit. The Commander will be joining us. _Fucking shit._ He wishes to oversee the recovery of his men himself.” She pretended not to see the sparkle in the dwarf’s eye as she swallowed her throat suddenly very dry. “He and the others will be joining us there. We should make it to the base camp before tomorrow night and they should get there the evening after.”

Kiaya quickly pulled out parchment and scrawled a hasty response to be sent back with the scout. She was studiously ignoring Varric’s pointed looks. She really believed that she had kept her preoccupation and occasional daydreams about the Commander hidden. But Varric was more than she bargained for. _That damn dwarf can read my mind. I am not thinking of him. Stop smirking at me._ “Can you inform Solas when you change watch and ask him to inform Cass when she wakes up? It’s still going to be an early morning; we have a lot of ground to cover.”

She finished writing and sealed the letter, handing it to Varric, “Please give this to the scout. I am heading to bed.” Not giving Varric a chance to ask questions she turned on her heels, and walked to her tent. As she ducked inside she could hear the dwarf chuckling behind her. 

Kiaya smiled as she entered the tent and found Cass taking up both bedrolls. Kiaya wiggled her way into her own bedroll, doing as little as possible to disturb the Seeker. As soon as she was settled, she could feel the waves of sleepiness aided by the alcohol from earlier.

As she drifted off to sleep her dreams were filled with amber eyes and a voice as smooth as smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this chapter until I finished the chapter I am working on but the events of yesterday made me realize I am silly to wait. You never know what will happen.
> 
> Thank you so very much for the hits, and the kudos, and every wonderful comment.


	7. This is Your Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya continues to fight for the Inquisition with everything she has. Cullen is out from behind the desk to assist and to observe the woman who everyone seems to be following. Everyone hates the Fallow Mire.
> 
> Divergent from canon.

Riding though the land of his childhood was bitter-sweet for Cullen. On one hand, it was comforting to pass the landmarks of his memories. On the other, seeing the damage done by the mage-templar conflict was gut-wrenching. He could still see the faded damage that had been done by the Blight with the fresher scars layered on top. Still, there were signs of recovery: the Inquisition presence was strongly established here thanks to the hard work of the Herald and her party.

As they had travelled into the second day of riding, the weather turned. Grey clouds had descended, bringing rain with them. The heaviness in the air was making his head pound in cadence with his horse’s hooves striking the ground. It would be a relief to finally arrive at the forward camp. 

It would also be a relief to gain more varied company. With the missing soldiers, Haven’s defences were seriously undermanned, forcing him to bring some of the new ‘volunteers’ the Herald had acquired in her travels. Cullen rolled his eyes as he listened briefly to Sera singing at the top of her lungs, very badly and very lewdly.

The road quickly turned soft and boggy, making it difficult footing for the horses, and by the time it was fully dark their progress had slowed to a crawl. The miserable conditions had smothered even Sera’s spirit and the entire party had fallen silent, lost in their individual thoughts.

Cullen was struggling to focus on the road ahead though the steady rain and pounding in his head when he suddenly felt the tickle of magic in the base of his skull. He pulled his charger to a halt as he peered into the gloom.

“What do you see?” Bull spoke quietly, seeming to sense Cullen’s tension.

Before Cullen could respond to the qunari he was interrupted by a shout from behind. “Oi, Bigboots! Why’d we stop?” Cullen tensed at Sera’s loud question and dreadful timing, gripping the hilt of his sword tighter. The hiss and snap of a lantern being unshielded had his sword half drawn before the light flared and illuminated the faces and insignia of two Inquisition scouts. 

“Welcome to the Fallow Mire, Commander.” 

Cullen exhaled, sliding his sword back into its sheath, still wary of the magic in the air. His eyes continued to search the darkness, barely able to make out the shapes that might be a few buildings. He dismounted, leading his horse forward cautiously. His muscles tensed; the feeling of magic keeping him on edge.

The scouts seemed relaxed enough, one moving forward to assist with the group’s horses and the other moving to open the large sliding door in the wall. Cullen handed off his reins and began to remove his saddle bags from the back of his horse. He could hear Blackwall and Sera griping at each other, both trying to get out of the rain first.

He turned bags in hand, to see a perfectly normal barn interior, already housing a number of horses in the stables along the side with plenty of room for more. What broke the appearance of normalcy was the gaping hole where the back wall should have been.

Beyond that was the Inquisition headquarters in the region, and it wasn’t much to look at. Cullen could see Rylen’s hand in the canvas stretched from building to building adding protection to the tables holding the Inquisition’s maps and documents, and a large fire burning in the centre of the area. The sounds of the messenger ravens could be heard from the loft above, and individual tents were set up off to one side in the flat area that had once been a family garden.

As his eyes followed the lazy curl of spoke, Cullen found the small point of blue light that seemed to be the centre spark of magic holding the rain at bay. His mind dredged up memories of text books describing magic that manipulated water, but he had never seen it on this scale before. As the rain fell, it was diverted as if by an invisible dome of glass. It was beautiful.

His gaze levelled out and focused on the group around the fire. Solas was a little removed from the rest of the party, but close enough to benefit from the warmth of the fire. Across from him, Varric sat with his crossbow by his side, pen and paper in hand and half-glasses perched on his nose, smiling at something one of the women said.

Cassandra and Scout Harding were seated next to each other engaged in discussion while the Herald was curled up on the ground, head pillowed on Harding’s leg. She wasn’t asleep: her eyes were unfocused, drowsy. She brought to mind a cat on a fire hearth.

His quiet observation of the scene was interrupted by a bellow as Sera entered. She dashed across the camp, barely missing the fire, and landed on top of the Herald in a pile while hollering “Where’s my breeches!” mixed with a wide collection of obscenities.

“Sera! Sera stop. Maker’s Balls, you’re soaked and you stink of horse. Stop using me as a towel!” The Herald was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. Cassandra and Harding were also laughing, having both retreated to a safe distance from the dripping elf and the small scuffle that had erupted.

The camp quickly became loud and lively with greetings and laughter quickly flying back and forth as the Herald managed to throw the elf off of her and was in the process of trying to rub the dirt off her clothes.

Cullen was distracted as she continued to brush dirt from her back and hips. He didn’t notice Cassandra’s approach and the sound of her voice at his side startled him.

“Cullen. It’s good to see you.”

He swallowed guiltily as he wrenched his eyes up to look at the Seeker who had appeared at his side.

“Follow me. I will show you to a vacant tent. I am sure you would like to change. The weather is miserable here. If it’s not the rain it’s the swamp.” Cassandra’s smile gave Cullen no clue as to whether she had noticed his preoccupation with the Herald, and he decided not to ask as she led the way towards the cluster of tents.

The feeling of magic had compounded his headache, the crease on his brow had deepened by the time they ducked under the tent flap. Once they were inside and had as much privacy as was attainable in a base camp, he exhaled deeply, closing his eyes and trying to calm his mind. He tensed again when he felt Cassandra’s hand on his arm.

He opened his eyes to meet the serious hazel gaze of his friend. They had met each other shortly after he had taken up his post in Kirkwall. He had been the junior officer and since the Seekers were there investigating misconduct, it had been given to him to deal with them. While on opposite sides on many things, they found much common ground in how they viewed the world around them. It had been an unexpected friendship. 

Cassandra’s eyes were scanning his face, and Cullen relaxed as he realized what she was looking for.

“I’m fine Cass. It’s nothing more than a headache brought about by a long ride. And Sera.” Cullen finished with a forced chuckle that turned into a heavy sigh. Cassandra snorted and stepped back to light the camp lantern set on the small table.

“I’m not surprised. Hopefully she is worn out as well, or we will never get any rest tonight. We are going to need it.” Cullen dropped his saddlebags on the chest at the end of the cot and began to remove his armour wiping each piece down as he went. He found it restful to care for his own armour, something he didn’t seem to have much time for in Haven, so it was nice to do it now. He knew the Seeker was watching his every move, waiting for him to say something, but he could be stubborn too. He slowly went about his practised care.

Cassandra’s patience wore out first. As it always did. Although she lasted longer than he expected, her snorts of annoyance coming to a crescendo while he was removing his greaves.

“Cullen, we need to talk about Kiaya.”

Cullen was surprised. This was not the direction he thought this was going to go; he had been sure he was in for a hundred questions about his withdrawal. Cass had started to pace, although in the small tent it looked more like she was walking in a very small circle.

She continued to pace, “Her magic is strong but her one on one combat is shaky. She pushes herself harder than is safe and I’m worried that she is going to get hurt or worse.”

She stopped her forceful movement and sighed as she sank down onto the edge of the cot. “She has a strong heart and a strong will. I’m afraid she is running herself into the ground. One thing is for sure we are all very, very tired.”

“Well, you have covered a lot of ground and done a lot of work.”

“Kiaya did those things, Cullen. She wouldn’t stop. If there was someone who needed help, she was there. She would go out of her way to bring as much peace as she could to those who lost everything.” Cassandra met Cullen’s eyes with a sharp look. “It seems she is trying to atone for something.”

“Have you learned anything useful about her?” 

“You sound like Leliana.”

“Well, you are the only one who has spent any time with her. It’s not like her reports are full of personal information.” Cullen rubbed his forehead, trying to keep a lid on his frustration. His relationship with Cassandra was what he imagined he would have had with Mia if they had grown up together. “Maker’s breath, do we even...” Cullen caught himself before he said something unworthy.

“Once we are back in Haven and I have figured out what it is, I will give you and Leliana a full report on my official opinion of our Herald of Andraste. For now, I like her, I trust her, and I worry about her.” Her voice softened, surprising Cullen again. “She’s in pain. Physical pain.”

“She told you this?”

Cassandra stood abruptly, clearing her throat, her face flushing like she was embarrassed. “No.” The briskness had returned to her voice. “But she whimpers in her sleep, and tries to hide a limp when she is tired.” She shook her head as she crossed over to the tent flap, pausing before she opened it. “Kiaya has asked that we meet and make a plan of attack for tomorrow, and supper should be just about done.” She turned to level a steely glare at him. “Give her a chance, get to know her yourself. And change your clothes, you look dreadful.”

Cullen sat and stared at the canvas ceiling as he tried to make sense of the conversation until he started to shiver from the damp. He stripped off the last of his wet clothes and dug out dry replacements from his bags, slipping into his smalls and breeches and laying his shirt on the cot. He picked up his discarded shirt and began rubbing the water from his hair.

He barely heard the knock on the tent pole behind him.

“Come in. What did you forget? Come to scold me some more?”

The silence was his answer as he continued to dry his hair.

“Cass?” Cullen turned around.

\---

Kiaya stood outside the Commander’s tent, biting her lip and rocking back and forth on her heels. She had been nervous about seeing him again, and this time she didn’t have any valid excuse to put off apologizing. 

She had barely had time to realize he had arrived before Sera’s attack, and by the time she had extracted herself from under the elf, he and Cassandra had disappeared towards the tents. She had slipped from the group, heading back to her tent in the hopes of finding a clean shirt and some nerve. She failed to find the shirt. She had managed to find the nerve, and it lasted until she was right outside of his tent. Now she was frozen in place arguing with herself. A loud shout from the direction of the fire had her lurching forward, scared of being discovered, hand outstretched to knock hesitantly. At the muffled reply she slipped through the tent flap, running through the apology she had been rehearsing in her head for weeks. She blinked her eyes trying to adjust to the brighter lantern light inside the tent. Once they cleared, all memory of what she had come here to say fled, leaving her barely able to breathe.

The golden light from the lamp danced over the curves of the Commander’s back. His breeches sat low, on his hips, giving the barest hint at the curve of his backside, and with his arms raised over his head drying his hair, the dance of light and shadow over the moving muscles was mesmerizing. Her fingers twitched at her sides, longing to touch, curious to find out how firm his muscular arms were and if his skin felt as warm and soft as she imagined. He had scars to rival hers, something she would have to dream of when she was alone. She suddenly very much wanted to know how it would feel to have his body pressed against hers.

Her shallow breathing hitched as he began to turn around, the soft lantern light playing across his arms, shoulders and chest. Her eyes slid down, following the planes of his chest and stomach, to the golden glint of hair below his navel, disappearing into very snug leather breeches.

She had barely a heartbeat to snap her eyes to the ground before he looked up and realized who was in his tent.

“I...” Kiaya smiled at her feet as she listened to him scramble for his shirt, and she felt the heat grow in her face. Her pale skin allowed for blushing all too easily. She looked up just in time to catch the last glimpse of the Commander’s bare midriff, barely stopping the disappointed sigh from crossing her lips.

_Speak before he yells at you._

“I...” She paused, taking a deep breath and licking her lips. She raised her chin and met his very surprised and confused eyes. “Commander, I was hoping to apologise for my poor behaviour before. There is no excuse. I was scared and upset, and I took it out on you. It was unkind of me. Also, it was shameful of me to allow so much time to pass before speaking with you. I was a coward.” Kiaya felt another rush of heat flood her cheeks, this time heralding a wave of shame. She bowed her head and shut her eyes. 

After a moment, Kiaya straightened and looked the Commander in the eye. “I hope that you will forgive me my rudeness and allow me to try again.”

The silence in the tent grew as she watched his face. He seemed frozen staring at her. _Crap, I freaked him out._ She was stuck, trying to decide between starting to babble or turn and run, when he straightened, a small smile started to curl the corners of his mouth.

“Your apology is unnecessary but appreciated.” Kiaya couldn’t help the smile that leapt to her face at his words. “I hope that someday you will tell me what happened. It was a confusing event from where I was.” The small curve of his lip had transformed into a smirk, causing Kiaya’s heart to beat faster. _Damnit, this man is distracting._ Kiaya felt her nerves starting to win again, and her eyes dropped from his face. 

“That would be good, I think.” Kiaya half turned and motioned towards the rowdiness coming from the fire. “Right now we should maybe rescue Cassandra and plan for tomorrow.”

“Go ahead. I will be there in a moment. I should finish getting dressed.”

Kiaya blushed all the harder as she moved to the tent flap, she paused. Emboldened by the warmth in his voice she looked back at him.

He hadn’t moved, and he was watching her. She couldn’t read his expression but it made her blood rush and her heart skip. She blinked and fled.

\---

The meeting went quickly once Harding and Cassandra were extracted from the chaos that was always Sera. Cullen simply hoped not to stumble over his words every time he looked at Kiaya. Although, he was comforted by the faint blush on her cheeks she couldn’t hide every time their eyes met. 

The Herald had a way of asking questions that were very to the point. It was obvious that she, Harding, and Cassandra worked well together and had a routine down from the weeks they had spent together.

“Once we get past the undead we will be moving forward blind. When we find him, I will try and convince this,” The Herald searched the parchment in her hand. “Hand of Korth, that besting me in battle is not particularly difficult or noteworthy. If that doesn’t work...”

“We’ll be there to keep you from turning into a footnote.” Iron Bull appeared behind Kiaya, causing her to jump.

“Thank you. I would appreciate that. I will endeavour to end this peacefully, however, if that doesn’t work, Commander, Cass, what should be our plan from there?” The Herald’s voice was shaking with suppressed laughter. She sounded breathless, and that was making it difficult for Cullen to concentrate.

He was startled to realize that he hadn’t heard the Seekers voice in the discussion. His eyes guiltily, catching a glint in the corner of her eye as he looked at her.

_Pay attention. This is your job._

“I believe that Cassandra should take the lead in this issue. She has more experience fighting with this group than I.” Cullen forced himself to focus on the Seeker’s plans, but as the meeting wore on, he still found more of his attention on Kiaya then was strictly necessary.

\---

Once the plans were settled as best as they could be, and dinner was served, the meeting had dissolved into campfire banter in a matter of minutes.

Kiaya had enjoyed the company silently, relieved that the official portion of the evening was over, but also not inclined to join in. It was a strange feeling for her, having spent so many recent years, and much of her life before that, alone. 

Her eyes strayed over to Cullen where he sat with Cassandra, still deep in discussion about combat strategy. She had spent most of her time this evening trying to not look at him too much because every time she did her mind flashed to images of him from earlier. It was very distracting.

Her attention was drawn back to Sera as the elf began another story of Kiaya tripping over her own feet, it happened a lot, but never ceased to bring joy to her craziest new friend.

“Alright, alright, we all know I fall on my ass a lot, but I always get up don’t I?” Kiaya interrupted with an embarrassed laugh. “I am calling it a night. We have a hard day in the morning.”

As she rose to her feet, the stab of pain that lanced up her legs and back caught Kiaya by surprise. Everything had stiffened while she had been seated and she was paying the price. Before anyone noticed her discomfort, she turned and headed for her tent. Her company was used to her sudden vanishing act at the end of the day. 

As she slipped away she could hear footsteps following her. Not so un-noticed then. Not feeling up to any more social interaction, she quickened her pace. She stepped into her tent and waited for the person to pass before ducking back out again. She always found an odd type of satisfaction from releasing this spell. It was a good exercise, maintaining a water warding spell, but it was tiring, so to release the concentration was always a welcome feeling.

The footsteps had belonged to the Commander, and she felt a pang of disappointment for not waiting. He had also paused at the opening of his tent. His eyes were thoughtful as he stared at the spell light that was the centre of the spell. Kiaya couldn’t help the sly grin that curled at her lips as she allowed it to wink out. Her grin widened and she slapped a hand over her mouth to contain her laughter when he jumped and ducked further under the edge of canvas. As she watched him, his head turned in her direction and it was her turn to hide.

She thought for a second that she had heard the warm roll of his chuckle, but she quickly abandoned that thought as idle fancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really excited about this chapter. I have taken a lot of time to dream weave my story. I have finally settled the deals of Kiaya's history and I am excited about the journey that this will lead this story to.
> 
> Thank you so very much for every Kudo and comment that you send my way. They really are inspiring to look back on when I am stuck and I thank you for your interest and love.


	8. The Blending of Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing like fighting undead and Avvar to get to know someone.

The next day’s mission began as predicted: a soggy but uneventful journey to the fortress gates. Harding’s scout reports were spot on, allowing for the fighting to be controlled in their favour. The highlight of the skirmish was watching the Herald keep the undead at bay until the rest could fight their way to shut the portcullis. The wall of water, drawn from the swamp around them, rolled like an angry sea. The walking dead who tried to move through it to attack were swept away, tossed about and torn apart by the force of the moving water.

She only let the spell drop once the echo of the boom of the portcullis hitting the ground had disappeared from the walls. While the party was dispatching the last of the Avaar warriors, Cullen turned to watch her. She had sagged against the stone wall out of the rain, her hand fumbling for the potions pouch on her waist. He could tell that she had depleted her mana extensively, which was not the ideal situation moving forward into the keep. He paused a moment, suppressing a shudder as he watched her swallow, the siren call of the blue liquid strong even at a distance. Once she had stowed the empty flask, he closed the distance to her side.

She smiled as he approached, the blue in her eyes more pronounced with the lyrium flooding her system.

“That was fun. Ready to do it again?” Her grin and tone were almost convincing, but Cullen could see the shadows under her eyes.

“As soon as we regroup. Take a breath now.” He leaned against the wall next to the woman. For the first time, he realized how much taller he was than her as she tilted her head back against the stone to look at him.

“They do like to poke around. Not that I mind: saves me from doing it.” The Herald lapsed into silence with a chuckle. She closed her eyes, her face relaxing but still tilted up towards him. His eyes roamed over her face unrestrained. Red hair framed a pale face, and her brow and pointed nose were littered with freckles that continued across her cheekbones. The scar was a scary one: she had obviously been close to losing the eye. His gaze was drawn down to her lips, where it was easy to imagine traces of lyrium lingered. Cullen could feel his heart begin to pound as his vision narrowed and he slowly leaned forward.

The clatter of feet coming down the ramps above snapped him out of his daze, and he realized how close he had gotten to her. He shifted and moved away just before she opened her eyes, looking up to watch their team clamour down towards them, seemingly not noticing his transgression.

“Ready to press on?” Her smile was back in her voice and she sounded determined.

Cullen could still feel the pull of the lyrium flooding the mage next to him. Her eyes glowed with it. _You want it. You are weak, and you need it._ As the battle rush faded, a withdrawal headache was building, and with it the barely controlled rage that always scared him. He pushed off from the wall almost violently, refusing to meet her eyes again.

“Let’s get this over with.”

\---

Kiaya watched the Commander stride further up the path, catching up with Cassandra. _I really need to stop acting like an idiot in front of him._ She rolled her shoulders, trying to stretch out the stiffness that was gathering there.

_What does it matter how you act in front of him? Look at him and look at you._

“Shut up.”

“Really Smudges, you shouldn’t talk to yourself like that. People might get the wrong idea.” Varric appeared at her side as she moved forward.

“Or they will get the exact right idea.” The pair moved forward together, bringing up the rear of their group. Kiaya was quickly lost in her own thoughts as climbed.

It was a relief in a way, how skilled each of her team members was. It made it easier to fight together, although the fact she was a liability was starting to weigh on her. Cassandra spent too much time protecting Kiaya and not watching her own back. If they were going to look to her to lead, then she needed to take care of herself. _Now if I could only figure out how._ At the thought of being in the lead, Kiaya’s stomach rolled with anxiety. Her eyes, normally watching her footing, were drawn back to the tall golden-haired main in the lead up the hill. As a result, she tripped, and barely caught herself before sprawling on her face.

“Whoa, we are going to need you shortly.” Varric’s words held only warmth as he steadied her with a hand on her back. Kiaya snorted as she resumed the climb up the steps. She started to sink back into her thoughts when she was interrupted once more. “I was watching you.”

“Varric, that’s creepy.”

Not to be put off, Varric continued. “Having trouble connecting to Curly, are you? If you ask me, you two need to slow down and spend some real time with each other.”

Kiaya shut her eyes and covered her face, stifling a groan. “I really didn’t ask.”

\---

Plan A had gone as Cullen expected: the Herald had barely spoken before the so-called Hand of Korth had ordered an attack.

Thankfully, Plan B was in place and had been put in motion before any harm had come to the mage in front. Cullen, Cassandra, Bull, and Blackwall could easily handle the melee warriors. The Avvar archers, well protected on higher ground, were quickly becoming a problem.

“We need those archers down!” Cullen bellowed as Bull was struck by a third arrow.

“We’re on it!” Varric’s voice answered from over his shoulder as Cullen deflected another swing from the maul wielded by the largest foe.

Moments later, explosions erupted along the upper level of the dais. Out of the corner of his eye, Cullen caught a movement up the stairs behind the enemy lines. He slashed at his opponent's legs, trying to throw him off balance so Cassandra could finish him off. As he danced back out of the maul’s reach, he almost stumbled, catching sight of the Herald stopping at the top of the stairs.

She raised her hands, and Cullen felt the pull of magic build around the woman. Suddenly, she thrust her palms down to the stone at her sides, and great plumes of fog billowed out from both sides, completely engulfing the archers on both sides of the stairs. The effect was immediate: they started to gag, then scream, clutching their throats and trying to cover their eyes from the caustic effects of the fog. Those that made it out of the poisonous cloud were shot down expertly by Sera and Varric.

Cullen’s attention was brought back the large leader in front of him, who was howling his rage at the loss of his artillery, and Cullen presented the nearest target. The next few moments were focused on dodging or deflecting the wild swings of the huge hammer. It was easy enough to use the brute’s anger against him, and Cullen quickly had the upper hand. Just as his blade found its way into the warrior’s heart, he heard Cassandra's voice cut through the noise, “Kiaya! Look out!”

His head snapped up as the Seeker’s voice cut through the sounds of the battle drawing to a close, but he was too far away to do anything but watch.

A rogue hidden in the shadows at the back of the room had avoided the ill effects of the fog and had approached the Herald from behind. At the Seeker’s shout, she ducked, overbalanced herself and tumbled down the stairs. As she came to a rest sprawled on her back on the steps, her hand shot out, shooting a spear of ice through the assassin’s throat instantly followed by two arrow hits from Varric and Sera. With the sound of the assassin’s body hitting the stone, the room fell quiet, seemingly holding its breath until the Herald moved again, or maybe it was only that Cullen’s mind stopped working.

The room certainly seemed loud with the voices of her companions, once she slowly moved from laying on the steps to sitting, rubbing the back of her head. Cullen released the air he was holding in his chest and turned away as the Seeker moved towards the woman on the stairs, searching for the key that would open the locked door hopefully holding his men. He ducked his head to hide his relief when he heard the Herald’s laugh, and he hurriedly moved towards the door.

As the door opened, a second wave of relief washed over him, and this time he couldn’t hide the smile as his eyes met Rylen’s. The man was prepared to fight, unarmed as he was, standing between his company and the door. The Starkhavener’s scowl was replaced by a grin, and his shoulders relaxed at the Commander’s entrance.

“So this is where you have been slacking off. Do you have any idea how much work you have left me with?” Cullen couldn’t resist.

“That’s simply because you can’t manage without me. I knew you let it all go to pot.” The tattooed man chuckled as he moved forward to grasp the Commander’s arm. Cullen did a quick assessment of the rescued men and women as he gripped his friend’s arm tightly.

“Look how desperate you’ve become,” Rylen continued. “Must have scrapped the bottom of the barrel if you are in the rescue party.”

“Only the rawest of recruits to rescue you, Knight-Captain Rylen.” Both men froze as the Herald appeared at their side. Cullen recovered quickly, assuming a more official posture, but couldn’t help the amused smirk at the expression on his friend’s face as the colour drained away and Rylen gaped at the woman beside them.

“Relax Knight-Captain. Is everyone alright? We have a healer back at camp. Can you all walk?” The Herald moved further into the room past the two men, checking on the other soldiers. Cullen could see a shortness in her stride that hadn’t been there before, but her back was straight and her steps quick as she moved from person to person.

Cullen chuckled as he glanced at the Starkhavener’s face again. “Come on, my friend. Let’s get out of this forsaken place.”

\---

The mood that evening was festive, although damp. Rylen’s canvas roof worked, but only just, and it didn’t take long before Varric and Sera started taking bets. Alcohol was plentiful, not surprising when Bull and Varric were involved, and Scout Harding had displayed her talent at field cookery, having prepared a mouth-watering fish stew. Everyone was quickly feeling content and happy.

Cullen was enjoying himself, happy to see his friend and the other soldiers unharmed. But his mind continued to wander to the one person who wasn’t there. He had lost sight of Kiaya in the flurry of arriving back at camp, everyone taking the opportunity to remove armour put on something relatively dry and get as comfortable as possible in this soggy place.

Cullen had seen an odd look pass between Varric and Cassandra when her name was mentioned. He also noticed that Solas, who was still recovering from a recent injury and had remained behind, had silently disappeared after welcoming them to camp only to return shortly afterwards to offer his healing to all who would accept it. As the evening wore on and the rain continued to drip off of the stretched canvas and partial roofs overhead, Cullen started to feel uneasy about Kiaya’s continued absence. As he finished his meal, his mind was trying to convince himself he wasn’t concerned about her; that it was only a professional interest.

_Professional concern, only professional concern,_ he chanted as he rose to his feet, filled his bowl again from the pot on the fire and, as inconspicuously as he could, headed towards the tents. He protected the bowl under his cloak, moving as quickly as possible through the rain. It was harder to justify the warmth he felt in his chest with those words when he caught sight of her sitting on the ground, leaning against a trunk, hunched over a book in her lap.

He ducked under the shelter of her tent as Kiaya looked up and a smile glowed on her face before she ducked her head back down to focus on the book again. A lead pencil rolled in her fingers and prints marked her neck and face.

“I...” He swallowed. “Would it be alright if I joined you? They are getting rowdy.” His tongue or his brain stopped working, and he started to blush. Thankfully, he was saved by her quick response.

“Of course, please. I would welcome the company.” The last part seeming more to herself as she scooted over to give him room on the ground next to her. He set the bowl down on top of the trunk and sat down next to her.

Moments passed. Cullen felt more and more awkward the longer neither of them said anything. He was struggling to find something to say until he remembered the stew he had brought her.

“I brought you food,” he blurted out before he coughed and cleared his throat. “I noticed that you hadn’t returned and thought that you might be hungry.”

“Oh thank you, I had forgotten.” Suddenly her stomach growled loudly, and she dissolved into embarrassed giggles. Cullen chuckled as he handed the bowl to her and she tucked into it, balancing her book on her knee. They both relaxed in the more comfortable silence as she gulped the food down. She was scraping the bottom when the peace was interrupted by the refrain of Sera’s favourite song. Kiaya laughed and began to hum along as she placed her dishes behind her and pick up her pencil and pad again.

“Why didn’t you join the celebration? You fell pretty hard today. Were you hurt?”

Kiaya laughed again, but it had more of a self-deprecating ring. “I am fine. Nothing more than bruises to blend with the older bruises.” She sighed and stretched her legs out straight in front of her, almost knocking over the mostly empty bottle hidden at her side. She caught it before any of the contents were lost and brought it to her lips to finish it.

“I am tired and sore. Add a drink to that combination and things can become undignified quickly.” She paused, smiling as she listened to the rise of voices picking up the chorus of the current song. Sadness crept into her voice as she continued, “The Inquisition asks so much of their soldiers, dealing with holes in the veil spawning demons left, right, and centre. People need hope, and if the Herald of Andraste brings them hope then they deserve as much of that as possible.” There was bitterness mixed with the sadness when she mentioned her title. Kiaya twisted and pulled another bottle from the shadows and broke the seal over the stopper. After another healthy pull, she turned and offered the bottle to him. Her eyes seemed to be searching his face for something. He accepted the offer; holding her gaze as he took a drink before passing it back to her. A smile curved her lips and warmed the light shining in her eyes as she relaxed, sinking back against the chest. Cullen realized he was twisted sideways following her movement, reluctant to lose sight of her face. He corrected himself, trying to appear casual as he settled back and watched the rain dripping off the edge of the tent.

He glanced sideways as she stretched, rolling her shoulders and head, arching her neck. Sitting side by side; she was only slightly shorter then he was. Unbidden, the image of Kiaya tucked under his arm came to his mind, her head fitting perfectly against his shoulder as he rested his cheek on the softness of her hair. Cullen blinked and snapped his eyes back to the darkness and rain. He became sharply aware of the heat on his skin where her shoulder and arm moved along his. She continued to move, working the muscles of her neck as she rolled her head back and forth, hissing gently with every pop and crack.

Whatever direction Cullen’s thoughts had been heading was abruptly interrupted by an explosion of mirth from the direction of the campfire. Kiaya smiled as she leaned forward, peering toward the backlit shapes of walls and tents. “What are they doing do you think?”

“Well, if I had to make a guess, that was the sound of someone winning the pot on who would get soaked when or if the canvas let go.”

Kiaya’s eyes danced and her face lit up with a wicked grin, her dimples jumping into sharp relief. “That may be the best idea I have ever heard.”

Her next comment was interrupted when, around the corner trudged a very sodden Rylen, a string of colourful swearing turning the air blue in his wake. The two of them sat in silence as the soaked man passed. Cullen was almost shaking with suppressed laughter, and he knew she was as well, her hands clapped over her mouth as she rocked back and forth.

“Oh Maker, that is perfect.” Cullen gasped, he explained at Kiaya’s confused look. “I’m pretty sure Rylen put up the canvas, it’s the kind of thing he would do.” That seemed to be Kiaya’s breaking point as she burst into snorting laughter. She looked younger when she laughed, like all the weight dropped from her shoulders and she almost floated. Cullen grinned as he watched the mirth pour from the women at his side until her giggles subsided into hiccups.

“Fuck!” Kiaya wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. “I haven’t laughed that hard in so long.” She gave him a sparkling look as she hiccupped again. “How long have you and Rylen been friends?” She smirked as Cullen felt his surprise show on his face. “It’s obvious that you two are friends by the way you josh each other. I find it comforting.” Her face coloured a bit at that last admission.

Cullen smiled at her, “We met shortly after the Kirkwall Chantry exploded. The city was in chaos, and with no Viscount and the fall of Knight-Commander Meredith those of us who were left in positions of responsibility were swamped. Rylen was the head of the relief effort that was dispatched from Starkhaven. I couldn’t have kept the templars together without him. Him and Cassandra both.”

Kiaya smiled and bumped his arm with hers, glancing up at him through her darkened lashes as she folded her legs under her.

“Could I ask you a question?” Cullen spoke abruptly, not wanting to remember those dark days in any detail. She did not seem put out by his change of subject, her smile softening as she nodded. He suddenly was bombarded by a number of questions he wanted to ask her. As the silence seemed to stretch he opened his mouth and blurted, “Would you agree to allow me to train you? I mean, to fight, in combat.”

_Maker’s Breathe! What is WRONG with me?_

Kiaya looked surprised, like it was not what she expected, however, it hadn’t been what he had expected either so her shock was not misplaced. Her smile twisted, like she was trying not to laugh, the alcohol starting to show in the glassy shine of her eyes and the flush on her cheekbones.

“Are you saying my fighting needs work? Considering my last combat training was about a decade ago your assessment would seem fair.” Cullen relaxed as he saw he hadn’t offended her. Kiaya swallowed

“I am actually grateful that you asked. I was having the trouble finding courage enough to mention it first. Cassandra is an amazing fighter, but she has little patience with my fumbling.” Her voice dropped lower, a tinge of sadness colouring her words. “I need a lot of patience.”

It was Cullen’s turn to offer comfort as he found himself gently squeezing her wrist, careful to not jostle the pencil in her hand.

“I would love to.” The warmth Cullen felt when Kiaya looked up at him with a radiant smile on her face caused his blood to quicken. He swallowed and looked back at the rain, searching for a change in topic.

The rhythmic scratching of the lead on parchment drew his eyes down to the page. The quiet was comfortable as Cullen settled into the hazy feeling that the alcohol brought. His eyes were slow to focus on the drawing but once they did he sat up and looked closer. The couple looked happy, comfortable, like just being together brought them peace. As Cullen looked on the contented face of the man he felt a spark of something in his chest.

“They love each other.” The sound of his own voice caused him to jump.

“They do. They did.” Kiaya’s eyes misted, unfocused with memories as her fingers smudged the shadows into a shirt sleeve. “They had such capacity for love, for each other, for their friends. Malcolm was the first to take an unruly young mage and beat some sense into her, literally and figuratively. And Lydia, she saved me in more ways than I can count. They were more my parents than anyone, I owe them everything.”

Cullen searched for something to say, something that would ease the sadness in the woman next to him.

“I met him once.” Cullen’s voice was soft, her eyes flashed to his face and she smiled as he continued. “He came and taught when I was in templar training. It was only for a brief time but I remember him being a patient and kind man.”

“He was,” Kiaya’s fingers traced the curve of a sleeve on the page, “although he could beat the snot out of anyone if the need arose. He was good like that.”

“That sounds like an interesting story.”

“I will tell you the story sometimes if you like.”

Cullen smiled gently at the bowed head of his companion. “I would like that.”

She smiled at the drawing in her lap as she picked up the bottle and raised it in a salute. “To Knight-Commander Malcolm and Senior Enchanter Lydia. The world will never see better.” She took a swallow from the bottle and passed it to him.

As he followed suit and drank, he watched a tear slide down her cheek. Without thinking he raised his hand, gently catching the drop of moisture before it fell on to the paper below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the see Kiaya's drawing mentioned above [Look Here.](https://novamm66.tumblr.com/post/172928287262/together-forever-this-is-art-i-have-drawn-for)
> 
> If you would like to chat on [Tumblr](https://novamm66.tumblr.com/) I would love to hear from you. I am always worried that my story is hard to relate to for anyone who isn't as crazy as me.


	9. It's Not a Perfect World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya must decide between going to the templars or mages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to really struggle with this chapter, my anxiety decided it didn't want me to write for a while and it took some time to show it otherwise. I am really happy with the result. I hope that you enjoy it too.

Their return to Haven was chaotic, their little party scattering almost the moment they entered the town. It was a strange feeling. Working and fighting with them the past few weeks had become comfortable for Kiaya. She fit with this odd group of misfits, better than she would care to admit.

She couldn’t say the same for the rest of this blasted experience. Even on the approach, she could feel the change in how people looked at her with awe and fear in their eyes. The stories of the woman who fell out of the Fade and sealed the Breach had only grown with time. With so many recruits flooding Haven there seemed to be eyes everywhere.

That was the other thing. The closer they had gotten to the Breach the more Kiaya could feel the wrongness radiating from the mark on her hand. It wasn’t glowing; in fact, it rarely pulsed light anymore unless it was close to a rift. Most of the time, it felt normal and Kiaya found she could almost forget about it.

But here, in the shadow of the mountains, the green glow in the sky made it impossible not to think of it. She could feel it like ants under her skin. It hadn’t really caused her a lot of pain, at least not any more than she was already accustomed to, except when she used it. Closing the rifts was excruciating, and it seemed to be getting worse.

She was greeted with a surprise when she walked through the door of her cottage. Her arrival back had been anticipated. A fire was burning in the grate and a camp tub sat next to it, filled with water.

“Thank the maker.” Kiaya wasted no time in shucking off her armour and clothes. After weeks of travel and fighting, it was all in very rough shape. She had been wearing the same shirt for days, and it was starting to chafe.

The tub wasn’t big enough for her to lay down, but even sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest felt like pure luxury. She used a small burst of magic to warm the water, and she reached for her pack. She pulled out some of the soap that she had purchased in Val Royeaux. It had made her giddy when she had found it. When the mage and templar conflict reached the Ostwick tower, Evie had continued to heal, and with pressure from friends had started selling the soaps and potions. Finding it in a shop in that huge city had made Kiaya so proud, and there was a bonus: the soap she found was her favourite sent, a mix of sea salt, fennel and bayberry. 

As she slowly scrubbed her body, breathing in the heady smell, she began running over the conversation she needed to have with Leliana. Kiaya had been putting it off for weeks, hoping that each day would see an end to the insanity her life had turned into. It had been easy to convince herself early on that with Whilliam and Ja’rell protecting Evelyn and most of Thedas believing she was here in Haven, was enough to keep Evelyn safe.

The guilt Kiaya was starting to feel about drawing her sister into this mess began to rise, but Kiaya quashed it back down as she busied herself working the soap across her skin, feeling more like herself with each passing second. She continued to wash long after it was necessary, simply enjoying the feeling. By the time she climbed out of the water, it was starting to cool again.

—-

Cullen’s head hurt, which was normal, but this headache was brought on by the circular pattern of the current conversation. He, Cassandra, and Harding had been summoned to a debriefing immediately upon arrival in Haven. Now, they were simply rehashing details until the woman in question arrived.

“I am positive this file has been modified. Apparently, Ostwick’s record keeping leaves much to be desired.” Leliana was glaring at the parchment like the lack of information it held was a personal insult.

“I am sure there is an explanation.” Josie was ever the optimist.

“There is. I am sure of that. However, I doubt it could be a very reputable one.”

Cullen could see Cass’s hackles rising as she spoke sharply, “And I am sure every file you have ever kept is completely truthful.”

“Ultimately, Ladies,” Cullen interjected before anything more could be said. “It doesn’t matter. She has the mark, and she is willing to help us repair the damage. I am sure the rest will get sorted out with time.”

“I am surprised at you, Commander,” Leliana said. “I thought you of all people would be concerned about the lack of information on a mage.”

Cullen resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Is it concerning? Yes, however, that really doesn’t change anything, does it?” His own temper was starting to creep into his voice.

Thankfully they were all saved from further discussion by the door opening and Kiaya walking in. She was smiling and looked at ease considering the serious expressions that greeted her. She was dressed in new clothes, and her first words were of thanks to Josephine for the garments. Everyone took a needed breath as pleasantries were exchanged.

Kiaya’s first question was direct, but her smile never slipped, “Have you decided which group the Inquisition is going to approach?

The four other people around the table were silent. The discussion on that point had not gone well before they had discussed Kiaya’s history. Cullen found himself trading guilty glances with Cassandra across the table.

“If you are leaving it up to me,” Kiaya paused and looked disappointed when no one interrupted her. “I wish to go to Redcliffe. I cannot in good conscience leave all those people facing whatever it is Fiona has foolishly led them into. I am also willing to go to the templars after that if they are willing. I firmly believe that we are all going to be needed in the future.”

“That is a very diplomatic answer, however, it is unlikely, once we have spoken to the mages, the templars will meet with us,” Leliana stated.

“Then they are just being stubborn,” Kiaya said, shooting an apologetic look in Cullen’s direction. “Josephine, can you reach out to the templars? See what they say?” 

She looked relieved at Josephine’s assent. “Then we will depart for Redcliffe in three days. Is there anything else?”

As the discussion turned to other matters, Cullen could see the rigidity in Kiaya’s back and shoulders relax, leaving a tremble in her hands that she was flexing her fingers to disguise.

Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be too much more to go over, and as the meeting broke up, Cullen moved to her side.

“Are you alright?” he motioned to her hands, gripped together and shaking.

Kiaya jumped when he spoke, her attention held by the conversation Leliana was having with one of her scouts. “Yes, sorry. I am fine. I was just… I guess I’m a little nervous.”

Before Cullen could ask her what she was nervous about, Leliana’s conversation wrapped up and Kiaya smiled at him before gently brushing his arm as she moved towards the other woman. He watched her a moment before turning to leave. As the door swung closed behind him, he overheard Kiaya speak, “May we talk?”

—-

Leliana was intrigued when the Herald approached her alone. It had been obvious to the spymaster that Kiaya was avoiding her, what Leliana wasn’t sure of was why. She motioned the woman towards the chairs near the fire in the back of the chilly room. Now that they were alone Kiaya was silent, her eyes unfocused as she stared into the fire. Leliana retrieved a bottle that Josie had recently received and poured two glasses.

Kiaya returned her attention to the other woman and smiled as she accepted the glass, Leliana noted the slight tremor in her hand.

The room was quiet as both women drank until Kiaya spoke: “This is the best Antivan red I have had in ages.”

Leliana nodded, “This, this is one of my favourites. It has been a while since I have tasted it.” Kiaya sipped, taking time tasting the favours before swallowing, buying the time it seemed. She was here for a reason and would speak when she was ready. Until then Leliana was content to drink and watch her.

“I need your help. I know that I have not been very forthcoming about myself and I know that has been a concern of yours. So, if you are willing to help me get my sister and her husband here, I am willing to tell you anything you ask.”

Leliana considered the other woman thoughtfully, “Of course I will help you, although I won’t hold you to a promise that no one could really uphold.” Kiaya’s glance was surprised and a bit sheepish, Leliana continued. “but it would help if I understood what was going on.”

“Family drama seems trivial now with everything else going on, but I still wish to protect her as well as myself. But now I realize that this isn’t going to end for me well and I am not going to be able to do what I have...” Kiaya was struggling for words.

“Why don’t you begin with what assistance you need and why?” Leliana said.

“With the death of our older brother twenty-four years ago Lord Trevelyan found himself with Evelyn as the family heir and this has not sat very well with him, wither that is because she is a woman or a mage I have no idea. He has tried to have her killed ever since and trying to father another son.” Kiaya’s voice had turned sour and her disgust for her father was evident. After another mouthful of wine, she continued. “She has been protected in the tower most of her life and after the war started she was still there with Danin, her husband, and Malcolm and those that chose to remain at Ostwick, but the Conclave would have been a different story. Evelyn was determined to go even after she got pregnant.” Leliana saw the flash of emotion that Kiaya tried to hide, “Eventually Danin and Lydia convinced her that was too risky for the child and the idea to have me go instead was born.”

Kiaya sighed and shook her head, “With both Malcolm and Lydia went Ostwick is no longer safe and if Lord Trevelyan finds out about the baby he will hire better assassins. I thought I could get back to her after the Breach is closed but now… well, I really don’t think that I will be able to get back.”

“You are right to want to bring her here. If we are going to continue to use her name it might be a good idea to have her permission as well as protect you both.” Leliana emptied the bottle into their glasses before jotting a quick message, crossing to the door and giving it to the scout waiting there. Then she returned to her seat. Kiaya had been watching her thoughtfully. As Leliana settled into her chair again Kiaya spoke, “Thank you.”

Leliana smiled at her, “It is why I am here. I would like to know why you feel you ow your sister such protection. What did she do for you?”

“That is a very long story and we would need more wine.” Kiaya finished her glass. Leliana reached under the table and produced another bottle.

“Well, that solves that. Shall I start at the beginning?”

\--- 

“Good, now if you brace your hands farther apart on the staff, it’s easier to absorb the force of a square-on hit,” Cullen spoke in the calm voice of a skilled teacher, and Kiaya corrected her grip as she faced the Commander in the training ring. “Better. Remember, you are on the defensive, so the goal is to get yourself clear of melee range. Now try again.”

It was easier this time to dodge the Commander’s attack, and she even managed to duck under the shield strike that followed the sword. Although as she danced away from the larger fighter, she caught her heel and stumbled, almost landing in the dirt. She laughed at herself as she staggered, and was happy to hear Cullen’s warm chuckle join in. 

“It worked,” Kiaya panted for breath. “Although, I am sure you would advise not tripping on my own feet during my exit.”

“Yes, I think that would be best.” He nodded, shading his eyes to gauge the height of the sun before heading for the water skin slung over a post at the side of the ring. “I think that is enough for this morning. You did well.”

Kiaya snorted her disbelief at his statement. “You would pound me if you were actually trying.” Her smile turned rueful as she accepted the water skin from his hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I truly appreciate your help.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, and you have shown improvement even in a short period of time.” Kiaya shot him an incredulous look.

“I may not believe you but in celebration of successfully not crushing me into the dust in our first three sessions, I brought breakfast.” She had been surprised by how much she enjoyed the early morning training. Cullen had been a patient and effective teacher, and she had pushed as far as her knees would allow. She liked the man, and most surprising to herself, she felt comfortable with him.

“I’m almost sorry we have to take a break while I go to Redcliffe. Almost.” The adrenaline from the exercises was making her feel giddy and it was a relief to drop down to the ground. She grinned up at him while pulling bread and cheese out of the basket.

Simply saying the name brought her doubts and fears about what meeting with Alexius. Waves of self-doubt threatened to swamp her as busied her hands and distract her head with their food.

“Are you concerned at all? About Redcliffe, I mean.” Cullen asked as if reading her mind. He leaned back against the stone wall, accepting the food she handed him.

“Am I concerned about walking into a trap set especially for me by a Tevinter magister for Maker knows why? With a strange magic that is affecting the rifts in a way no one understands? I’m not sure how to answer that question.”

She was glad when Cullen laughed at her sarcastic comment; she was grateful that he understood her sense of humour, as fatalistic as it tended to be.

“Magic that affects time. That is…” He didn’t seem to be able to finish the thought.

“Bad?” Taking a bite out of the bread in her hand, she leaned back and stretched out her legs. The sun was fully up, and the heat on her face was delightful.

“Can I ask you about your magic? Where did you learn it? I know so little about it. I didn’t realize how little information is available about water magic here. It was mentioned during training; however, I can remember very little of it and it wasn’t commonly practised where I was stationed.” Kiaya thought she heard something strange in his voice, but the honest curiosity on Cullen’s face erased any doubt she had in his sincerity.

“That’s not surprising, really. It’s not very common anymore it seems, and its reputation, well, that tends to put people off. Any ship captain worth his weight wants a water mage aboard,” Kiaya said.

“That is very interesting, and I have many more questions now, however, you failed to actually answer.” Cullen’s voice was kind and teasing.

Kiaya laughed, “You are right. Yes, you can ask me anything about water magic, and I learned it from the woman who raised me.”

“Your mother?”

This time Kiaya’s mirth was more bitter than she wanted. “My mother was a flawed human being, and she was gone by the time I was four. The best thing she did for me was leaving me behind with caring people who cared about me, one of whom was a Dalish mage, skilled in the art of water.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice was kind but the pity that always appeared whenever she spoke of her early life made her uncomfortable.

“Don’t be. I mean thank you, but don’t be sorry. Grams and Papa were good people and they loved me.” Kiaya fell silent as she shredded the last of the bread in her hands.

“Was your Pa elven as well?” 

She looked up in surprise. The pity was gone from Cullen’s voice, and his eyes held nothing but interest.

“No, he was a salty old sea captain who taught me as much as he could in the time we were together. He was part of the Ferelden navy before he left it all behind to be with Grams. He was a kind man.”

“Would you mind explaining the link between blood and water magic. We were simply told to watch out for it but not why.”

“There isn’t one, well not really. Blood magic draws power from the life that is in the blood of living creatures. Water magic draws from the element of water and since blood is mostly water you can manipulate it. The difference would be where the power comes from. That’s a bit of a simplified explanation, but does it make sense?” She continued after he nodded. “You can see where the reputation comes from, and it is true there is temptation, but that doesn’t mean you give in to it. I mean, I have the temptation to smack the smugness off Rodrick’s face every time I see him, but it doesn’t mean I do it.”

She laughed when Cullen almost spit out the water he had just drunk, coughing he said, “I almost wish you would.”

“It’s almost worth it, but I really don’t need to give him any more reason to arrest me.”

They both groaned in unison at the sound of the morning bell from the chantry.

Cullen chuckled. “Well, that’s a call back to reality. I suppose we can’t hide here forever. Are you still riding out this afternoon?” Cullen climbed to his feet and offered a hand to help Kiaya to hers.

“Yes,” she exhaled. “I would like to be as close to Redcliffe tonight as possible. Maybe with luck, everything will go smoothly. Alexius will simply release the mages, head back to where he came from, and we will be back day after tomorrow. In a perfect world.”

Cullen smiled at her as they departed the training ring.

“In a perfect world,” he echoed.

\---


	10. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiaya struggles to survive the twisted future she and Dorian find themselves in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy July! 
> 
> This chapter is violent and if this is a trigger for you please proceed with caution. I tried to stay within the same level of violence as the Game. 
> 
> I hope that you enjoy.

“You are a mistake. You should never have existed,” Alexius hissed as the hum of magic grew louder in the room, unknowingly echoing the words of Kiaya’s father some twenty years ago. 

“No!” Dorian’s spell collided with his former mentor, throwing the room into chaos.

Before she could react and get out of the way, Kiaya was enveloped by the portal that appeared in front of her. In an instant, the world disappeared as she was pulled apart.

\---

As soon as her feet hit the ground, Kiaya doubled over to vomit into the putrid water surrounding her knees.

“What in the fiery fucking Fade happened?” She coughed and gagged again before straightening to look at Dorian.

“I am not really sure. I could hazard a guess though,” he replied as he thoughtfully surveyed the room. He seemed far too calm for the situation.

Kiaya grimly looked at the towering red lyrium that crawled up the walls. She could feel it in the air; the water they were standing was infused with it. She could feel it against her skin and she could feel the adverse effect on her magic already. Drawing her mana from the water here was going to be risky. “Hazard away Dorian because I have no idea what’s going on and I am freaking out a bit.”

“It was one of the theories we were working on together, Alexius and I. But it was never more than a theory, too many variables and far to much risk. I have no idea how Alexius figured out the logistics of it, but I think we have travelled through time.”

Kiaya stared at the mage, the hairs on the back of her neck starting to prickle. “Time travel. Are you fucking kidding me? You think we have moved through time. How? To where, or when? And how the fuck are we going to get back?”

“I believe I can use my knowledge to get us back. Alexius was using an amulet to cast his spell, and I think I could replicate it.” Dorian replied.

“But you need the amulet to do so. Lovely.” Kiaya wiped her face on her arm as best she could. “Let's go and figure out where and when we are and...”

The door burst open.

—-

Kiaya was shaking. Channelling energy from the water to cast her spells was unlike anything she had felt before. It was evil and poisonous and it burned her mind, but if they were going to survive this she had no choice. Seeing First Enchanter Fiona with the lyrium growing within her made Kiaya ill and she was desperate for this future to end.

“There are stairs over here, up to the next level. Fereldens do so love their multi-level dungeons, don’t they?” 

Kiaya smiled thinly at Dorian’s poor attempt at humour. “I’m just glad that we are still in Redcliffe, and I hope that bastard is still here. I am looking forward to smacking the cocky grin off his face.”

“I would thoroughly enjoy that.” Dorian had been trying to keep things light, for which Kiaya was grateful, since everything around them was so disturbing.

Kiaya paused, trying to think of a witty retort with her foot on the bottom step. Kiaya paused, there was a faint rhythmic sound coming from somewhere behind her... she could barely make out. She turned around, looking back down the hall. “Dorian, did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That would be a ‘no’.” Kiaya moved away from the stair and back towards the way they had just come. From this angle a deep shadow revealed an opening, barely more than a crack in the wall. She moved towards it, listening intently.

“Kiaya, where are you going? Up means getting out of this forsaken place. Dark corners do not.”

“Shhh.” Kiaya was almost sure she could hear someone muttering, and her morbid curiosity was pulling her towards the sound. She tightened her grip on her staff, moving as silently as the water would allow. She was relieved when she heard the other mage follow her.

There was a tunnel, and as she inched forward she wondered if this was the secret passage that Leliana lead her scouts though this morning. 

_Not this morning, not this year._ Kiaya shivered. 

The water was getting deeper, and the tunnel was sloping down and curving to the left. She could see the pulsing red glow from further ahead, something that forewarned of more corrupted lyrium. The gravelly sound that drew her forward was the voice of a man, sounding more and more like a murmured prayer.

When she finally slipped around the corner and found the source, Kiaya felt the air rush from her chest as surely as if she had been punched in the stomach.

—-

Dorian was desperately trying to remember everything about his past research as he followed Kiaya. He was grateful that she seemed to understand his need for levity without questioning it. In truth, Dorian was terrified.

He followed her down the tunnel, keeping an eye on their exit. Dorian couldn’t see what was around the corner but the effect on his companion was instant. Kiaya had frozen in her tracks, and the little colour she had in her face drained quickly away.

“Kiaya?” Dorian moved towards her, but his voice seemed to have broken whatever held her in place. She lurched forward only to stop again when an inhuman roar echoed in the small space.

Dorian leapt forward, readying a spell, only to freeze when he finally viewed the source of the sound. He recognized the Commander, although Dorian was shocked he was alive. His wrists and ankles had been fastened to the wall by some means that had been overgrown by the red crystals. Worse still, the lyrium had pushed his body until it was bowed to the farthest the restrains would allow. The shards had continued, forced their way through his skin and infecting his body. He was emaciated, the edges of his bones visible behind taunt, paper-thin skin. It was sickening to see the pulsing red light tracing the blood in his veins. His eyes were wide, irises a deep red colour, and his teeth were bared as he howled at her.

“Stay away from me! There is nothing else left for you to take.”

Kiaya looked as if Cullen had slapped her, and she gulped for air as she met his eyes. As quickly as his rage appeared, it vanished, and he sagged against his bonds. He struggled weakly before his eyes closed and he began mumbling prayers.

“He is completely infected.” Dorian’s voice sounded numb even to his own ears. “It is a miracle that he is aware of us at all.” 

Kiaya shot him a resentful look before her attention returned to Cullen.

“Cullen?” When he didn’t respond she moved forward slowly again until suddenly he growled, snapping his head up to glare at her again.

“I don’t understand your persistence. I have no idea what happened to you-her.” His face clouded with confusion for a moment before it faded to sadness. “What does it really matter now anyway? She is gone, I lost her. Just go away.” He twisted his face away from them, losing himself in prayer again.

“Cullen...” Kiaya whispered, but Cullen whimpered when the water, disturbed by her movement, lapped against his skin, his body twisting to get away from her.

Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at him, and Dorian could see her trembling. “We need to go, there is nothing we can do for him now. We need to keep moving if we are going to survive.”

As he watched, tears finally slipped down her cheeks, “Kiaya…” Dorian reached for her hand. At his touch, she jerked away.

“I heard you.” Her voice was hard and Dorian was surprised, but before he could respond she turned sharply and didn’t look back.

—-

Kiaya’s mind was clinging to the numbness that was the only thing keeping her going. Every moment of this future had been more horrible than anything she had experienced before and that was saying something considering she had been at the Breach.

She rocked from side to side, as Dorian and Leliana argued about something. The battle with future Alexius had been arduous, with wave after wave of Venatori showing up. Her fingers gently rubbed the knife wound in her side she had just healed. They were out of potions, she was barely staying on her feet, and her mana wasn’t coming back to her as easily as it should. All she wanted to do was curl up in a corner. If they hadn’t found Varric, Cassandra and Leliana and if the three of them had been unable to fight, she and Dorian would have fallen long ago. 

She was trying to follow, or even really care about, the argument that was going on between Dorian and Leliana but she was having trouble focusing on anything for too long. Her mind seemed intent on wondering, Kiaya kept seeing the despair in Cullen’s eyes.

“I need the time to figure out this spell. I have no idea how to control a time jump.” Dorian was getting angry, and Kiaya could hear the strain in his voice. She struggled against the fog in her mind. _I should care about this. We have to get home._

There was no humanity left in Leliana’s voice. Every time she spoke Kiaya felt her words cut like cold steel. Kiaya was only just starting to feel comfortable with Leliana in her time; it was horrible to see what was left of the woman.

Leliana glared at Dorian with contempt, “You have no time to wait, you must...” Her response was interrupted as the ground shook hard enough to bring down chunks of the decrepit walls around them. Kiaya’s body reacted before her brain registered the roar that shook the ground. She ducked and cowered for a moment before forcing herself up.

“Time’s up. Do it now.” Leliana’s eyes were cold as she turned away, taking up a position in front of the dais facing the door.

“Get home. Be safe.” Cassandra’s eyes were sad and she gripped Kiaya’s shoulder in a half hug before heading for the door. Varric simply looked at her for a moment before following. Kiaya suddenly realized what they were doing.

“Wait! Varric you can’t...”

Varric looked back over his shoulder. “We’re already dead. You have to change that.” Varric had been mostly silent after they found him, and it scared Kiaya, it felt unnatural and his parting words brought her little comfort.

Kiaya couldn’t speak as she watched Leliana bar the door behind the other two, never tearing her eyes from where Cass and Varric had disappeared until Dorian tugged her to the dais as far from the door as they could get.

It took a few moments before she became aware that he was speaking to her. She was so focused on the sounds of violence outside.

“Kiaya, please, I need your help.” She could hear the exhaustion and fear in his voice forcing her to focus on him.

She swallowed, trying to wet her throat enough to respond. “Of course. Get us home, my friend.” She nodded and tried to lend him confidence she didn’t have.

“I’ll need any magic you have left, and I need it fast.” Dorian began to cast. Kiaya placed her hand on his forearm, pouring her magic into his spell. She turned with a shout as the door burst open, and demons began pouring in.

It was like time slowed down just so she could memorize every agonizing moment that happened. She screamed as Varric’s body hit the floor, and again as she watched Cassandra be ripped apart by a pride demon. Kiaya wanted nothing more than to save them even as her eyes were telling her it was too late. Her grip on Dorian’s arm loosened as she took a step away.

“Don’t move! You can’t help them now.” Dorian had to yell to be heard over the whipping winds created by the portal. The mage’s jaw was clenched as he struggled to maintain control over the spell. “We’ll go back, stop it all.”

She knew he was right, but it was the hardest thing she had ever done, standing by and watching. Leliana was a fighting machine, even with all the injuries she had sustained in the months of torture, and she was more dangerous then Kiaya expected. But even she was overwhelmed quickly: the sheer number of demons pouring through the door was staggering.

Kiaya couldn’t make a sound when the first arrow hit Leliana, or when the second quickly followed. She could only whisper “No!” as their eyes met and the demon sliced open Leliana’s throat. For the first time, Kiaya saw regret and fear in the other woman’s eyes before the life drained away.

That last thing Kiaya saw before Dorian tugged her into the open portal was a huge shadow looming beyond the demons rushing towards them.

—-

Kiaya desperately wanted to lie down. Her eyes felt gritty and dry and she couldn’t stop blinking as her vision swam. Her mind was still trying to catch up with the events that had happened since they had gotten back, although to everyone else they had only been gone for a few minutes. She stood apart from her companions, waiting while Leliana spoke with the King. Her side was feeling much worse, and the room had started to gently spin. If there hadn’t been so many soldiers and mages around, she would be leaning against something solid, but she was the Herald of Andraste and had to keep up appearances.

She was also feeling alone. Cassandra was very upset with her decision concerning the mages, and might have stormed out if Varric hadn’t stopped her. As it was, she was still glowering, although not directly at Kiaya.

Kiaya stopped her sigh of relief when Leliana appeared, but she couldn’t hide the disappointment when Leliana spoke. “Alistair would like a word with you.”

“Who’s Alistair?” Kiaya’s brain felt fuzzy.

“The King. The one who tossed the mages out on their ear.”

“Right, ok, I knew that.” Kiaya stammered as she moved towards the door Leliana had just used. She desperately hoped nobody would notice the waver in her steps, and when she reached the hall between rooms she took a moment to press her forehead to the stone wall. The coolness made her headache lessen, however, the world still seemed to be spinning just a little too fast and it was making her ill. She summoned all her strength as she moved through the door ahead into a warmly lit library. King Alistair was standing behind the huge oak desk in the middle of the room, looking very imposing.

“Your Majesty, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” she stammered as he looked at her thoughtfully. “I regret any trouble we have caused here.” She could think of nothing else to say as he continued stare at her.

“You are looking very confused and a little worse for wear.” The sternness that Alistair had displayed while kicking out the mages had completely vanished, and he looked completely at ease.

“Well your highness, it has been a very confusing day, and I am not entirely sure why I am here.” She stopped speaking, blushing suddenly at the sharpness in her voice, but the King just laughed.

“I can understand that. Honestly, I just wanted to meet you. After everything Lel has told me I was curious.”

“You were curious about me?” Kiaya’s voice sounded muffled to her own ears, as her vision started to blur and the walls were spinning faster. The King was saying something, but she couldn’t seem to understand it. She felt strong arms catch her just as her world went dark.

\---


	11. Gathering Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I am sorry that this chapter was slow but the summer got very busy and I kind of lost my drive. But it is back and I really hope you enjoy!
> 
> I also want to give a huge thank you to my two editors without whom I would have never even started. I have learned so much from them.

“How could you release the mages with no forethought to the risks they pose! This close to the Breach we will have abominations running rampant.” Cullen’s voice echoed off the vaulted ceiling of the great hall.

His anger had been building for days, ever since Leliana had returned to report the events of Redcliffe. His waking hours were filled with headaches and his nights with horrible dreams. It had been a constant struggle to keep his temper in check. A struggle he apparently lost the moment the Herald walked into the Chantry.

As he continued to yell at her, her eyes widened and what little colour she had drained from her face. It didn’t take long for her surprise to be replaced with anger and she cut him off.

“Enough, Commander!” Her voice was hard and sharp, unlike anything he had heard from her before, and his mouth obeyed before the rest of him his could register his surprise. Her jaw was clenched and her eyes were flashing. “How dare you,” she hissed low enough that no one could hear beyond their small group. She choked off her next words, closing her eyes and seeming to struggle for a moment.

When she opened her eyes again her face was blank, but her eyes were a cold, icy grey. She turned to Leliana and Josephine. “I will make my report in the morning.” The sound of guttering candles emphasized the sudden silence in the hall as every person listened and watched as Kiaya returned her attention to Cullen. He saw some strong emotion flash across her face but it was gone in an instant and she turned and walked back out of the Chantry. No one spoke or moved until the doors closed behind her, the boom echoing in Cullen’s ears.

Normal activity resumed, but those immediately around him remained frozen. Josephine and Dorian, who had arrived with the Herald, were studiously ignoring him while Leliana’s eyes scanned the room and Cassandra glared at him. She was the first to speak, “While I may not completely agree with the decision I do support it. She did what we asked her to do: she secured the mage’s aid.”

“Ah, the voice of the pragmatism speaks. And here I was enjoying the show.” Dorian tone was light, but when Cullen met his eyes he could see concern and something deeper. “I should tell you I am sticking around. I believe I can be of use. Now, if you will excuse me I should find somewhere to stay.” The Tevinter bowed gracefully to the group before departing.

“Alright then,” Leliana’s voice was dry. “Cassandra, would you care to briefly fill us in on events? Then we will pick this back up in the morning.” She began to move towards the War Room with Josie at her side. Cassandra gave him a long, measured look before following.

Cullen stared at the Chantry doors. Well done Rutherford, way to fuck things up. His anger had given way to shame at his behaviour and he was warring with himself about what he should do.  
He sighed before turning and heading to the War Room.

—-

Kiaya was struggling to stand. Everything hurt, every joint was on fire, every muscle throbbed, her limbs felt like lead, and it was her own damn fault. She has ignored all advice and had left Redcliffe the moment she could keep her feet, barely a day after Leliana had returned to Haven.

She had been relieved to the point of giddiness when they arrived in Haven. She had spoken to Adan about the treatment the healer at Redcliffe had recommended, and she had been smiling when she walked into the Chantry, just glad to be back to a place she was starting to feel safe.

Then everything changed.

Faced with Cullen’s anger all of Kiaya’s memories, the fear and sadness and rage that she felt about everything, came flooding to the surface. Seeing Cullen angry like that again, his face so like the tortured man she had found in the future, had made it all so real again, and she couldn’t face it. She had barely controlled herself enough to get out of there.

Kiaya had no idea how she made it back to her cabin, but she really didn’t care. Once inside she paced the room twice before pausing at the tray of food left for her on the table. She ate because she knew she should, not because of any appetite, and collapsed on the bed.

—-

Cassandra was in no mood to draw things out, so her report was brief, and everyone seemed just as eager as she was to end things quickly. Cullen had remained quiet through most of it and Cassandra had been watching him closely. He had shadows under his eyes, and he looked tired, but that could be said for all of them. As the meeting closed and the group broke up she held him back and studied his face intently until the door closed and they were alone.

“How are you feeling, Cullen?” she asked.

Cullen leaned on the war table. “Like a horse’s ass, actually.”

She snorted. “You are, but that’s not what I meant.”

He shot her an annoyed look while also looking managing to look sheepish, a special talent all his own, “I know. I am fine, really. Sleeping isn’t easy and I am just tired… and worried.”

“And angry,” Cassandra stated. She was worried about him. From the moment they had met Cass had liked him. He reminded her of her brother, and he had become one of her closest friends. She had great respect for what Cullen had chosen to do, but she hated to see him suffer and struggle.

“I know. I lost my temper, but surely you understand why.” Cullen’s face was almost beseeching.

“Of course I do. I was angry as well. Had I had the opportunity and privacy,” Cassandra’s pointed remark caused Cullen to hang his head, “I would have yelled too. But I was given time to think and I understand why Kiaya chose as she did.”

“What exactly happened? Leliana was frustratingly vague.” Cullen asked. 

Cassandra felt a smile tug at her lips. the Commander never liked talking about himself and would always change the subject given the chance. Her face turned sombre as she answered. “Everything was going to plan. Leliana’s people arrived on time, but then Alexius began to cast and Dorian tried to counter, the room filled with smoke and magical energy.” Cass’s voice dropped to a growl. “When the room cleared, Kiaya and Dorian were battered, covered in blood and maker knows what else. She looked angrier than I have ever seen her, almost wild, and I honestly thought she was going to strike Alexius dead on the spot.”

Cassandra watched every emotion that crossed Cullen’s face as she ran through the rest of the story quickly. “Kiaya left to speak with King Alistair, and the next moment he came out calling for a healer. Kiaya had been cut by a poisoned blade. We were lucky there were so many healers in Redcliffe.” she finished.

Cullen stared unseeing at the table before replying. “Now I feel like a bigger horse’s ass.”

“Good.” Cassandra smiled in the face of Cullen’s glare. “Your concerns are not misplaced, but you do need to apologize. We need her. Besides, you are a better person than that.”

Cullen sighed, “You’re right, and I will.” Cassandra arched an eyebrow. “I will, I promise. Soon.”

“Fine, but don’t wait too long. Maker, we haven’t eaten since morning and I am starving. If you have more questions you will have to follow me to the kitchen.” Cassandra moved towards the door, and was relieved when Cullen laughed and followed her.

—-

Kiaya’s dreams rang with the sounds of fighting. She returned from the fade to heat and vibration on her chest and the sounds of metal on metal beginning again. She panicked briefly before realizing the sounds were from training, not fighting, and it was just a kitten on top of her.

She opened her eyes to meet the green gaze of the small creature. After fainting in the king’s arms, Maker, did I really do that? She had woken in Redcliffe to find the young cat sleeping with her. She had been unable to find anyone who claimed him, and when it was time to leave she found she couldn’t abandon him. She called him Shi.

_You are being selfish. What happens to him when you die closing the Breach?_

She shifted the boneless creature a bit so she could tickle his head, and hissed sharply as her side began to throb.

“If I die, can you take care of yourself? It’s colder here.” Shi purred. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Kiaya stared at the evening light streaming in the window.

“Although, if I don’t die, and I get to go back to the boat you might have to come too. Can you swim?” He yawned, then went back to purring. “Good.”

She lay there for a while, almost drifting back to sleep when a knock sounded at the door. “Come in.” She twisted partway off the bed before remembering why that was a bad idea as she gasped in pain.

“Good evening, Herald.” Adan bustled, in leaving the door open behind him.

“Adan. I am surprised to see you here, what with you only being an alchemist and all.” She gently smiled, easing herself up. Kiaya liked the prickly man, and once you got past the sourness he was quite fun.

Adan sounded annoyed. “With all the mages flooding in and being underfoot you are lucky anyone’s here. Mother Giselle has her hands full, and I wouldn’t trust the apprentices with cutting a turnip, so I came myself.”

Kiaya smiled as he continued grousing, but it was a bit forced. The mention of cutting reminded her of what came next.

“All right, how do you want me?”

—-

What Cass had described of Kiaya’s injury made Cullen worried. The moment he was free, he found himself standing outside her open door. Adan had just finished cleaning her wound, and before Cullen could reverse direction the other man noticed the change in the light and glanced at him. “Hello, Commander. Move out of the door, please.”

Cullen immediately stepped aside and farther into the cabin. Kiaya jumped when Adan spoke, but she didn’t turn to look at him and the application of a poultice and the clean bandage was quickly done. Cullen’s eyes kept drifting to the pile of soiled bandages at their feet. There was a lot of blood, and it had an unhealthy colour.

“There, done. Not a shabby bit of healing if I do say so myself.” Adan sounded proud.

Kiaya gave a shaky laugh as she lowered her shirt and turned around in the chair, “Yes, never have I been sliced by a more skilled person. Maybe next time you can do both sides so I match.” Cullen could hear the pain in her voice when she spoke.

Adan laughed. “I’d have a healer look at it in the morning but that poultice needs time to work. Oh, and drink this, it will knock you out.” He handed her a bottle which she placed on the table.

Cullen quickly tried to marshal his thoughts as Adan gathered his things and left, shutting the door behind him. Kiaya had stood and retrieved a clean shirt from her chest before sitting on the edge of her bed, and was now looking at him expectantly. She didn’t look angry, only tired and a little wary, with good reason. She did not seem inclined to start the conversation.

“I, I wanted to apologize for earlier.” Cullen stuttered, and he silently cursed his awkwardness. “My behaviour was inappropriate and it was unfair of me to ambush you like that. I am sorry.” He stopped searching for something else to say, feeling increasing awkward the longer she stared at him and as he started to blush.

Kiaya’s face lit up with a smile. “Thank you. I didn’t, I mean... Thank you.” She looked away, turning to pet the cat next to her. It was the first time Cullen had noticed the animal, but before he could ask about it she spoke again.

“I share your concerns, you know, but we do need help to close the Breach, and a lot of them have nowhere to go. They are scholars and healers, those displaced when the circles fell apart. There are children, Cullen.”

Her eyes were pleading when they met his. “I knew the moment I offered the mages allegiance it was going to make people unhappy.” She looked sad but determined. “I made the only decision I felt I could. I won’t be a hypocrite, Cullen. **I** left Ostwick Circle, **I** chose to become an apostate, and that should make me more guilty than many of them. If I am free to leave,” her voice wavered, “Then they should be as well, or at least that is how I feel.”

Kiaya fell quiet, and Cullen could see pain mixing with the sadness on her face.

He moved forward a step. “I am sorry Kiaya, I had not considered...” Cullen was unsure how to continue.

The corners of Kiaya’s mouth quirked up and she stretched, then winced, her hand flying to her side.

“Honestly, if the Inquisition leadership wants to reverse the decision, you can,” Kiaya said, her voice laced with humour. “It would be easy enough to blame my injury or the poison or just say it wasn’t mine to offer. It’s all the truth.”

Cullen stared at her in disbelief. “Do you really believe that? That we could replace you? That what you have done matters so little?”

Kiaya laughed. “Well, it matters, but I am replaceable. This,” she held out her marked hand, “This isn’t, but if you conscript the mages you wouldn’t lose access to that and everything else I do isn’t special.”

“Is that what you thought we meant if we conscripted them?” Cullen’s mind was buzzing. “That it meant you would be conscripted too?”

“No,” She smiled at him. “I don’t think you, Cass, or anyone meant that, but I think that would be only right. It would be wrong of me to take from others what I am unwilling to give up myself. Most of them have never hurt anyone.” Her voice became distant, barely a whisper. “Can we say the same?”

She shivered suddenly, coming back to herself. She stood and moved to the table, picking up the vial Adan had left.

“I wonder how long this will take to work? Adan didn’t really say.” Kiaya turned around to face him and sighed. “Cullen, I really would like to compare perspectives with you and tell you everything.” Kiaya’s face coloured. “But I am a bit worn, so maybe another time?”

“Yes. I... you should rest,” Cullen fumbled for words as he quickly moved back towards the door. Just before he opened it, she called out.

“Cullen, I need to thank you. Training with you? It saved my life. I was hoping, if you are willing, we might continue?”

She was stumbling over her words and blushing fiercely, clearly embarrassed, although Cullen wasn’t sure why. “Of course we will continue. But I think we should wait until you have healed.”

The warmth of her smile made Cullen’s heart thump, and he felt a returning smile on his own face.

“Oh, if you insist.” Kiaya rolled her dancing eyes at him. “Thank you.”

“Good night, Kiaya.”

“Rest well, Cullen.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to chat on [Tumblr](https://novamm66.tumblr.com/) I would love to hear from you.


	12. Prepare to Come About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of this as kind of between chapter entertainment, a mini-chapter if you will. We learn more about Kiaya's past.

\---

Kiaya gasped as she woke from sleep, panic gripping her chest and making it hard to breathe. Her dreams were getting worse. The bedding was soaked in sweat and it clung to her uncomfortably. The cabin was suddenly feeling very small. She threw on clothes and yanked opened the door. A young messenger stood with his arm raised to knock, his mouth agape.

Kiaya’s surprise made her angry the longer she waited for the boy to speak. “Well, what do you want?” She winced at the sharpness in her voice.

He snapped a salute before stammering an answer. “Herald, you are needed in the War Room.”

She sighed as she watched him go. Kiaya’s ability to remain civil was disappearing. She was never comfortable surrounded by people, she hated cities and, although Haven was still relatively small, the reverence that was on the faces of most of the people made her panic.

She slowly trudging towards the Chantry. The ground was uneven, and she had to watch her footing carefully. Spring was fighting for dominance over winter, the days warm enough to make the roads and paths muddy and the nights cold enough to freeze the ruts left by man and beast.

The Chantry was dark and empty in the early morning hours, and Kiaya was relieved to feel the warmth and light from the fire as she pushed open the war room door.

“You’re back!” Kiaya’s heart lifted when she saw Lace Harding in the room, and she rushed over to give her a hug. “When did you get here?”

“About four hours ago,” Lace returned the embrace then pushed Kiaya down into a chair. “But I’m leaving again once the sun’s up. Just waiting to resupply.” Harding handed Kiaya a steaming cup of coffee.

“So soon? That’s not much of a rest.”

“She’s going to get your sister.” Leliana was smiling as she spoke.

“Where is she? Is she safe?” Kiaya couldn’t get the words out fast enough.

“Still on the Raven’s Grace” Leliana’s voice held a hint of approval as she spoke.

Kiaya felt her heart slow down to a normal rate. “Good, I think. Although how are you going to reach her?” Kiaya’s eyes moved from face to face.

“We have a plan,” Lace grinned. “We are going pay them to come to us.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that, but basically yes,” Leliana continued, “The inquisition always has a need for discreet transportation of passengers and goods by boat.”

Kiaya laughed. “That is the politest description of a smuggler I have ever heard, but I take your meaning. So that gets them to...”

“Denerim,” Leliana confirmed. “The tricky part will be making contact without alarming them.”

“I’ll go.” Kiaya knew she sounded desperately eager, but she didn’t care. Anything to put off trying to close the Breach.

“You will have to leave this to me,” Lace replied with sympathy in her voice. Kiaya struggled to hide her disappointment, although with the spymaster in the room she didn’t know why she bothered.

Lace continued, “I could use your advice though. They will be suspicious of strangers, and a friendly face can only get me so far. I need a way to convince them to listen to me.”

“That’s easy.” Kiaya reached for the stack of blank parchment.

“No letters!” The two women spoke so perfectly in unison that Kiaya laughed and rolled her eyes as she pulled a pencil from her bound hair. “I know that. Give me a little more credit.”

The sketch was done in a matter of minutes. “There. Give her this and she will listen to what you have to say.”

Leliana inspected the drawing before handing it to Lace. “This will work perfectly. Only those close to you would recognize it.”

“Perfect. I’ll be off.” Lace was far too chipper for this early in the morning. “Good luck Kiaya, and don’t worry: I know it will go perfectly, and we will celebrate when I get back.”

“I hope so,” Kiaya replied, giving her friend another tight hug before their goodbyes.

Kiaya watched as the dwarf hurried out the door, before turning and topping up her drink. Then she turned to Leliana. “Thank you, for helping with this. I wish I knew…” her voice petered out as she stared into her mug.

“We never know where our choices will lead or always if they the right ones,” Leliana said. It was uncanny how easily she read people.

“May I ask something else of you?” At Leliana’s nod, Kiaya continued, “If I don’t come back today will you help Evelyn and her husband disappear?”

“If that is what they want, I will do what I can.”

Kiaya nodded although her face was grim, she had no choice but to ignore the loophole. Unable to think of anything to say she turned and headed for the door.

“I will take care of Shi too.” 

Kiaya stopped, looking back at the other woman in surprise. “How...?” Kiaya choked off her question. It didn’t really matter how Leliana knew her secrets. Thank you, I would hate to leave him alone.” All Kiaya could see in Leliana’s eyes was compassion as she held the woman’s stare before leaving the room.

\---


	13. Cut and Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fall of Haven

_Fuck me silly._

Kiaya started to hyperventilate as she stared up at the scar in the sky. She could hear Solas and Vivienne giving the final rundown of instructions to the mages, every word making her panic worse.

_This is going to hurt so much._

_I can’t do this._

She tore her eyes away from the breach as she desperately searched for a way out. Her gaze was arrested by the commander, standing by the entrance to the crater, guarding their backs. His eyes met hers across the distance and he smiled at her: a real smile, genuine and caring. Kiaya felt a calm wash over her panic, and she only jumped a little when Cassandra touched her arm.

“Are you ready?” The Seeker’s tone was soft, pitched low so only Kiaya could hear her.

“Not even a little bit.” The mark sparked on her hand. It seemed agitated being this close to the breach again, like hot worms under the skin of her hand. It was not a pleasant feeling, and one that Kiaya was sure was about to get a lot worse.

Cassandra’s reply was halted by Solas coming to their side. “When you are ready, we are set to begin.” Solas looked confident as he smiled at Kiaya. She struggled to smile in return and nodded.

_I want to run._

Kiaya turned and walked towards the Breach.

\---

The celebration had started before they had even gotten back to the village. Everyone had seen the breach close, and everyone’s spirits had risen as the hanging threat lifted. Cullen, however, was uneasy.

Cullen had spent the evening trying to think of something to say to Kiaya. He knew he wanted to say something, but he just wasn’t sure what. The opportunity never really presented itself anyway. Kiaya was in great demand, everyone wanting to speak to her, and Cullen had lost track of her quickly. He didn’t feel up for much merriment himself, so he retired to his tent, where the never-ending stream of paperwork was always waiting for him. It was quite late before he left his desk. The revelry was in full swing, singing and dancing around the bonfires throughout the town while the drink flowed liberally.

Cullen felt some of his tension drain. The happiness around him was infectious. What are you worried about? Everything is fine. And it all appeared to be. His attention was caught by the boisterous laughter of children and he turned to see Kiaya sitting on the ground, a little girl in her lap, telling a story. As Cullen drew closer he could see shapes floating in the air in front of her, illustrating the pirate story she was telling. No one in the small group noticed as he approached, too engrossed in the story, and he stopped just shy of the firelight so he wouldn’t interrupt.   
The tiny figures, made from water drops, shone and sparkled in the firelight. The eyes of the children were wide as they watched, and Kiaya looked more relaxed then he had ever seen her.

The children cheered when the sea captain defeated the monster, saved his ship and sailed off into the sunset, the boat puffing into steam when it reached the fire. A clamour ensued, every child wanting another story, and a few of the adults too.

“Alright, that’s enough everyone, it is well past bedtime and the Herald has other things to do.” A matronly mage, who had been sitting among the children, rose to her feet. Every child, all young mages Cullen realized, gave Kiaya a hug before running off towards the tent city the mages occupied just outside of Haven’s walls.

Kiaya sighed as she watched them run, then began to struggle to her feet. Cullen moved forward, offering his hand, “That was wonderful.”

Kiaya yelped and lost her balance, plopping back to the ground.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Cullen stammered an apology.

She laughed, and accepted his outstretched hand, “Serves me right for not paying attention.”

“They really loved your story,” Cullen said as he smoothly pulled her to her feet.

“Who doesn’t love a pirate yarn?” Kiaya’s grin was downright cheeky.

“You really are good with children you know.” Cullen smiled down at her.

Kiaya snorted. “Sometimes. Kids are easy. I’m blunt and honest and they like that. Adults, not so much.”

They were standing very close together. Kiaya’s face was tilted back, catching the light of the moons in her eyes, her smile soft and warm as she gazed up at him. Cullen was acutely aware that her hand was still enclosed in his.

“I wanted to say before,” Cullen’s voice dropped low, even though they were mostly alone at the moment, “today, at the temple you were amazing.” _Maker, I sound like a fool._ “And before that, with everything you have done, how hard you have worked to help…”

“Commander.” The voice of a messenger interrupted him and Cullen straightened quickly as he suddenly realized he was leaning into her, and stepped back. Kiaya’s hand clung to his until the last possible second before letting go.

Cullen returned the man’s salute, barely listening as the man informed him of a drunken fight among some of his soldiers. A stupid issue, but one that needed his immediate attention. He dismissed the messenger before turned back to Kiaya.

“I am sorry. I need to deal with this, but can we speak again? Later?” Cullen silently berated himself at the wistfulness he could hear in his own voice, but it was completely forgotten as joy spread across Kiaya’s face.

“I would like that, very much.” Kiaya blushed. “And thank you, Cullen. For what you said before. It means a lot, to me.” Her words were rushed, and it looked like she was going to say more, but instead, she smiled at him before whirling around and headed up towards the Chantry.

Regretfully, Cullen watched her go before heading in the opposite direction.

—-

The alarm bell had Kiaya bolting down the stairs she had just wearily climbed up. From her spot in front of the Chantry, she had a terrifying view of the number of torches that sprang up across the valley. Whoever was out there, there was a lot of them.

Panic was everywhere, everyone was caught off guard, and Kiaya was fighting against the tide of people to get to the main gate. The gates were closed when she got there, the commander barking orders to his soldiers. Everyone else looked tense and confused.

“What’s going on?” Josie sounded scared.

“I don’t know.” Kiaya panted for breath. “We have to get everyone in the walls.” She moved towards the gate.

Before anyone could respond, a knock sounded at the door.

“Open! I can’t come in if you don’t open.”

—-

Kiaya’s ears were still ringing from the explosion of the oil drums; they had narrowly managed to get away in time. Her lungs burned as she gasped for breath, looking around the Chantry. There were so few survivors, and many of them were wounded. Many people were crying or praying and all Kiaya could think of were the tiny bodies of the children littering the snow. I have to save them.

She moved over to Cullen who was standing at the open doors, ushering in more survivors. “Cullen, we have to do something.”

His amber eyes were filled with desperation, but his response was halted by Roderick and the strange boy limping through the doors.

Kiaya’s mind raced and struggled as Roderick told them of the one chance that could save everyone. Cullen was speaking, saying that they would still be overrun if they couldn’t delay the Templar army and the archdemon until Kiaya interrupted him.

“Can you lead them, Rodrick? Show them the way? If we give you time?” At the older man’s affirmative Kiaya whirled around, calling to her companions. “Cass, you, Dorian, Sera and Varric go with the chancellor. Make sure the way is safe. Find Blackwall and Master Harritt, if you can.” The two men were hopefully halfway up the mountain with the horses. “Solas, Bull, Vivienne, ready yourselves to go back out. We are heading for the upper trebuchet.”

The hall erupted in chaos as everyone leapt to act. Kiaya watched for a moment, desperately trying to memorize her friends’ faces.

“Kiaya,” She blinked at the sound of Cullen’s voice. She had forgotten he was next to her. “You don’t- “

Kiaya interrupted him, turning and gripping his arm. “Your plan will work, Cullen. We can bury them. When the others get back here, bar the doors and get everyone as high up the valley as you can and send up a signal. I will buy you as much time as I can.”

She stared at him as he nodded, relief at his understanding quickly overwhelmed by regret. She started to turn away when his hand trapped hers on his forearm. “Maybe- “

She couldn’t think of anything to say to him, every possibility threatening to rupture the control of herself that she needed to keep moving. Kiaya squeezed his hand, feeling the warmth of his fingers even though his gloves.

“Boss, here.” Kiaya dropped her hand and turned away to accept the full potions pouch Bull was holding for her. She refilled hers as she moved toward the door.

“Let’s go have some fun, Bull.”

—-

Cullen waited. He stood at the door, which had been left just enough ajar to give him a view of the courtyard without being noticeable. He couldn’t see much through the smoke and ash.

“Commander.” Rylen appeared at his side, “We have removed the prisoners and they are on their way out. Most of the survivors are clear of the passageway now. Leliana is watching from the ridge above.”

“Good. Thank you” Cullen acknowledged his second's report.

The two men stood in silence, waiting while the minutes ticked by.

Suddenly, a movement in the haze caught Cullen’s attention as three dark shapes dashed into the courtyard, making a beeline for the Chantry door. Cullen and Rylen jumped to open it, and then closed and barred the door behind them. Iron Bull was covered in blood and breathing hard, and Enchanter Vivienne and Solas were looking drained and exhausted. Cullen couldn’t fight the disappointment that arose that Kiaya wasn’t with them, even though he knew she hadn’t intended to come back.

The only thing he could do was get the signal up. He turned and led the way towards the passageway out of the Chantry. Their pace quickened until the group was running down the passage, their footsteps echoing so that it sounded like the armies of the fade where right on their heels.

Cullen emerged from the passage mouth into the valley beyond. It was surreal how peaceful it was, the stars shining above in a clear sky. He looked to the ridge that rose behind him, and he could see Leliana silhouetted there against the glow of the fires below.

“Rylen,” Cullen’s voice rang with command, “Start moving the survivors further up the valley. We can’t be sure that we are far enough away.”

Rylen saluted and quickly moved to follow orders. Cullen didn’t spare another glance before he ran up the hill.

“We are clear! Send the signal!”

“No.” Leliana’s voice cut across his words. “We can’t send it yet.” The spymaster was staring through an eyeglass at the village below.

“Why? She’s alone down there!” Cullen could feel his rage starting to build.

“Kiaya’s not alone.” Leliana’s voice didn’t sound happy. “And she can’t see the signal at the moment.”

Cullen growled in frustration as he turned around, ready to go search for his own spyglass, but was stopped by Bull who was holding one in his outstretched hand.

Cullen thanked him quickly as he turned back to the valley and raised the glass to his eye. It took a moment for him to locate the northern trebuchet through the smoke but when he found it, his blood turned to ice.

Kiaya knelt on the snow between the archdemon and the red lyrium monster he had seen before with Samson. The mark on her hand was active and she was writhing on the ground. Leliana was correct: a signal now would only alarm the enemy and Cullen could do no more than watch as the monster wrenched Kiaya from the ground.

Tense moments passed as no one on the ridge made a sound. Cullen’s eye stayed glued to the glass. Both he and Leliana gasped as they watched Kiaya get thrown into the trebuchet and collapse on the platform.

_Please get up._

Cullen’s heart leapt for joy as he watched her pull herself to her feet.

“Fire.”

“Now.” Both their commands rang out together, and relief flooded Cullen as he listened to the arrow whoosh through the air. He kept his glass trained on the scene down below. He saw Kiaya straighten as she tracked the signal. Cullen wished he was close enough to hear what was said, but he could see the determination on her face as she gripped a sword much too big for her to wield. He heard Leliana hiss through her teeth when Kiaya kicked out at the leaver.

He ground his teeth as he watched her run. He couldn’t tell where she was going; maybe she didn’t know herself. He heard the shot hit the mountain, and he could feel the ground shake as the avalanche picked up speed.

“Maker give her strength,” he whispered.

“And speed,” Leliana responded, the only one close enough to hear him.

“No!” Cullen’s view was suddenly cut by the arch demon’s wing as it took off. He snapped the glass down and his eyes fought to refocus on the distance. Seconds later the snow barrelled over the town, enveloping buildings and putting out fires.

Suddenly, it was a very dark, the smoke obscuring the light of the moons and all light from the battle doused. But they could hear the booming thunder as the avalanche continued.

“We have to move, now. We don’t know how far it will reach.” Leliana sounded shaken and Cullen nodded in response, unable to tear his eyes away from the valley below. He stood still as he listened to her issue commands and the others moved away, but he couldn’t find the will to leave.

“Cullen.” Leliana appeared at his side again. “She knew what she was doing.”

He whirled to face her, staring at her hard. “How does that make it better?” He growled.

When she didn’t answer he turned and stalked up the hill.

—-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This truly is my favourite part of the game. I love the fall of Haven. I really hope that you enjoyed my telling of it.


	14. Chapter 14

Happy Holidays one and all!

I just wanted to say this story is still underway. I just got distracted by art and getting ready for the holidays. But the next chapter should appear shortly after Christmas. Until then, thank you for your love and support. Thank you for caring a bou5 Kiaya and her story.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all a wonderful season.


	15. On Your Beam Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back! I hope you enjoy.
> 
> A while back I started naming the chapters after nautical phrases. Tonight I thought I should tell you what they mean.
> 
> So 'on your beam ends' means hard up; in rough shape; in a bad situation.

_I’m dead. I must be dead._

Kiaya was face down on the cold stone, her right arm pinned beneath her at a very unhealthy angle. Her head felt too large and the back of her eyelids swam with coloured dots as she tried to collect her thoughts. The last thing she could remember was slamming into the broken wood covering the dark hole in the ground she had run towards. Her mind was muddled and she wasn’t thinking clearly when she finally decided to roll over.

As she moved, she felt the bones in her arm grate against each other sharply. Pain flared in her chest, and her head hurt so much she could hear a loud ringing. A small scream tore from her lips as she settled onto her back.

_Dead is good._

—-

_“Kiaya, it’s time to get up.”_

_“Mmm. Five more minutes Gram…”_

Kiaya woke up abruptly to the feeling of water hitting her face, memories still vivid from her dreams. She groaned. “Shite, Grams. You have been dead for thirty years and you’re still waking me up.” Her voice was weak and raspy, and suddenly she felt parched. She lapped at the water, opening her mouth wide to catch as many drops as she could.

Suddenly, Kiaya realized she could see. The snow-filled opening above her was glowing with a blue light, filling the cave she was in with a deep twilight. She had to have been unconscious for a while; the sun must be up, its light barely making it through the snow-choked hole.

The cave was half man-made and half natural, and Kiaya could see a black opening in the wall to her right. Other than that and the hole in the ceiling, there was no way out. Moving her head hadn’t hurt too much, so she sat up, or tried to at least. Dizziness made her vision swim, and her right arm was on fire. The sleeve of her leather armour was extremely tight and she couldn’t feel or move her fingers. Her chest and side hurt, but breathing were easier, and her left arm and both legs were sore but functional. Kiaya spared a moment to thank her lucky stars her knees had survived. Gingerly, Kiaya probed the right side of her face and head, feeling the lump there, and the puffiness of her temple and brow. She shuddered at the stickiness in her hair and pulled her hand away.

“Well, this is fantastic.” Her voice echoed around her. “Give me one good reason not to lay down and go to sleep?” Her mind flooded with images of Cullen. Cullen trying to speak to her and fumbling adorably. Cullen’s eyes crinkling when he smiled. Cullen half naked while changing out of wet clothes.

“That’s cheating.”

She continued to think of him as she mechanically started doing what she had to in order to stand up. Casting magic with a head injury was dangerous, but it had to be done if she was going to survive. She managed to manoeuvre her arm inside her duster, doing up the buttons to trap it across her chest. It wasn’t ideal, but it was the best she could do, and it was useless anyway. The healing spell had fused the bones enough to stop them from moving. It felt like ages before Kiaya managed to slide and crawl her to the nearest wall and haul herself to her feet.

Her head throbbed as the world pitched and rolled around her. “Shite, this is worse than on deck in a squall, or while drunk. Or both.” She started humming a sea shanty as she stumbled forward, aiming for the opening in the wall that she hoped would lead to a way out, trying to move with the heaving of the ground.

—-

The first morning after the attack was overcast and rainy. Cullen and every able-bodied person who could be spared had returned to Haven, with the goal of recovering enough supplies for the survivors. Most of the town was buried under snow and debris, and it had taken hours to locate and dig out the Inquisition stores. Cullen stood on a rise of snow, his head almost on a level with the eaves of the chantry roof, surveying the damage before him. His eyes were continually drawn to the last place he had seen Kiaya. The remains of the trebuchet poked out of the snow, a reminder of how the battle had ended.

“It’s hard, isn’t it, Commander? Making decisions.”

Cullen would have jumped at the sound of Bull’s voice if he wasn’t so bone tired. “What do you mean?” Cullen’s tone sounded sharp to his own ears, but he wasn’t in the mood for cryptic conversation.

Bull’s face was sombre as he looked out across the snow. “Your heart says to start digging her out, but your head knows how dangerous that would be and how vain a hope that is to risk the lives of others.”

Cullen frowned. “It’s not making the decision that is hard. It’s living with it afterwards.”

Bull laughed, but there was no humour in it. “Truer words, Commander.”

—-

Time had little meaning as Kiaya shuffled forward, her feet moving automatically as she dreamed. The mark sparked just enough light to prevent walking into things, but otherwise, she didn’t have to think. She didn’t know where she was or which way to go. It came down to either continuing to move or freezing to death.

Still, it was inexcusable for her to walk so blindly into the middle of a group of wraiths and demons. She was halfway across the cavern before she even noticed. Unarmed, injured and exhausted, Kiaya froze like a trapped fennec. Her mind flooded with panic, and she could only watch as the wraiths gathered their power to attack her. As numerous balls of fade power raced towards her, she threw up her marked hand and screamed.

\---

Kiaya sobbed as she gagged and choked on bile and blood. She couldn’t stop shaking. She lay there in the dark until, slowly, she raised her left hand to stare at the mark. It had opened a rift. It had saved her life, but it had fucking opened a rift. Fear of the mark swallowed her, and she cried. Her energy was quickly spent, her tears freezing to her cheeks. It was getting colder.

“Why can’t I just die?”

_You have seen the future if you die. You know what happens._

Corypheus was still out there, and Kiaya didn’t doubt his word when he said he intended to tear down the world. That insane monster would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. But there she lay on the ground, with possibly the only key to stopping him buried under the skin of her hand, filled with fear and shame for wanting to give up.

As a fresh wave of tears froze to her face, Kiaya pictured each and every friend she had found with the Inquisition: all the people she had grown to care about, more than she had been willing to admit to herself, and the belief they would be crushed if she didn’t keep going. Kiaya could clearly see Cullen twisted by the red lyrium infecting him, rage and hate on his face.

“No. That won’t happen. I won’t let it. Not ever.” She once again found the strength to climb to her feet and started to move towards what she hoped was the way out. Every step helped to erase the image of the tortured Cullen with a warmer one, with amber eyes as he looked at her.

\---

“You have to be fucking kidding me.”

She had found the surface, her self-pity and the inspiration that had followed it driving her forward quickly and, with absolute luck, she had found a way out. But as Kiaya stood at the mouth of the cave, free of the dark underground, she was met by howling winds, and snow was the only thing she could see for some distance. She didn’t feel very lucky.

“‘Maybe you will find a way,’ he says. ‘Come back,’ he says,” Kiaya was feeling manic and very sleepy, and that scared her. “Well? How many fucking ways do I have to find? Haven’t I done enough? What the fuck do you want from me?!”

She began stomping and kicking her feet, just like the tantrums she threw as a child until the pins and needles signalled the return of feeling in her toes. It also helped release frustration. “I hate the fucking cold and snow. I take back every nice thing I said about it.” Kiaya inhaled as deeply as the pain in her ribs and arm would allow before screaming her frustration into the wind. She cast a spell to warm herself, the magic feeling sluggish, and it took more effort then it should. She sighed and stepped out into the snow.

\---

It had stormed all night and most of the next day, petering out just before nightfall. It may be spring in the rest of the world, but in the Frostback mountains, winter ruled. They had been lucky and managed to recover enough supplies to protect the survivors. Every tent they had found that could give shelter against the storm was a blessing. 

But the waiting had been driving Cullen to distraction. He needed to be doing something. He wanted to search for Kiaya, however vain the hope of finding her might be. In all likelihood, she was buried under the snow back in Haven. But Cullen couldn’t let go of the feeling that that wasn’t true. 

He, Cassandra, and a couple of scouts had set out the moment visibility was clear enough. The storm had left behind knee-deep snow, with drifts twice that high, and the pace forward was painfully slow. Neither he nor Cassandra had spoken of why they were searching; Cullen’s hope that they could find Kiaya felt desperate, and it was something he couldn’t voice yet. From the look in Cass’s eyes, Cullen guessed that she felt something similar.

It was almost full dark when they reached the end of the valley the Inquisition had taken shelter in and Cassandra called a halt.

“Commander, we should turn back. It's getting too dark to properly search.”

Cullen glowered at the darkness in front of him. He could feel the frustrated scowl on his face. “Not yet.”

“We are no good to anyone if we walk off a cliff in the dark.” Cullen could hear the matching frustration in Cass’s voice, and he fleetingly hoped that it was more at the situation then at him.

Cullen forced himself to be calm. His friend didn’t deserve grief from him as well. “Very well. We will turn back.”

The Seekers face was grim as she nodded and began to trudge back down the path, the scouts already moving ahead. Cullen couldn’t turn away from the darkness beyond the stone cliffs. He had agreed that it was sensible to return to camp, but his heart and feet were reluctant to obey. He sighed and had started to turn when movement in the darkness caught his eye. He froze, emotions racing through him as he watched Kiaya stumble into view.

“Kiaya,” he gasped not loud enough for anyone to hear.

He started to run. “There! It’s her!”

“Thank the Maker.” Behind him, he heard Cassandra’s shout, but his eyes stayed glued on the woman in front of him as Kiaya collapsed into the snow.

—-

Kiaya’s mind had left reality far behind. She had lost feeling in her legs long ago. The pain in her side and head were the only ‘warmth’ she felt. Her body simply continued moving forward out of habit and sheer stubbornness. 

Her mind was busy in a much warmer and happier place. Daydreams and fantasies had taken over keeping her warm. Her ability to cast had ended some time ago, the fade slipping away from her like smoke or freezing solid like a stone when she reached for it. So she was drowning in whisky eyes and the golden heat of her thoughts.

Her cocoon of dreams was shattered when a wolf howled close by, a flood of fear freezing her in her tracks. At some point the storm had ended, but it had left behind snow deep enough to stop her from falling over. The night was clear, and she could see stars overhead, the moons giving enough light for her eyes to make out shapes and shadows in the dark. Her eyes were not focusing properly, though, and her head felt strange: dreamlike but not, and the pull of the Fade was getting stronger. She became aware of the rest of her body when she started to shiver violently. I have to move again.

She forced her shaky legs to lift, but they felt leaden as she tried to force them through the snow. As she crested the ridge, her attention was caught by lights on the horizon, and her steps faltered as she tried to focus her eyes.

The effort made her head pound, and blackness started to creep into her vision before she recognized the campfires in the distance. She sobbed, equal parts relief and desperation. It was still so far away.

Movement in the moonlight, much closer, caught her attention, and Kiaya was no longer sure if she was actually awake or if she was still dreaming. Cullen was there, just steps away. As he started to run toward her, calling her name, the blackness rushed in and she fell into the snow.

—-

Cullen dropped to his knees in the snow next to her. _Maker, where is her arm?_ His hands froze as he reached for her, suddenly unsure if he wanted to know.

Cassandra landed on Kiaya’s other side, and having no such hesitation, rolled the prone woman over.

“Thank the Maker.” Cassandra echoed the words in Cullen’s head as they realized they could see Kiaya’s arm pinned across her front under her coat.

“Run back to camp. Tell them we found her and to ready the healers. Go! Now!” As Cassandra barked at the scouts and they took off, Cullen pulled his gloves from his hands to brush the snow from Kiaya’s face. Her skin was frozen, burning his fingers.

“Is she dead?” Now that it was just the two of them, Cass’s fear was plain in her voice and on her face.

“No,” Cullen could feel her breath on his fingers only slightly warmer than the air around them. “But she feels like ice.” Cullen tenderly continued removing snow, but his stomach dropped when he uncovered the bruising on her face and dried blood in her hair. His questing fingers found the welt and the open wound on her head. 

“Her arm’s broken, and maybe some ribs too.” Cassandra’s searching hands causing a moan to escape from Kiaya’s lips and Cullen’s heart clenched. “And she is too cold. We need to get her back fast.”

He fitted one of his gloves over Kiaya’s exposed hand before picking her up as gently as he could. Even so, it was impossible not to jostle her a little, and every whimper was a knife in Cullen’s chest.

Cassandra led the way, but Cullen was concentrating on his feet, trying to gauge the footing, so it was a shock when Kiaya moved in his arms, nuzzling her face into his neck and shoulder. Her skin burned where it touched him, but that didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around her more firmly, tilting his head to rest on hers and trying to give her as much heat as he could.

“Kiaya?” His voice was pitched low. “Can you hear me?” He felt air blow against his skin, but if she had spoken it was too low for Cullen’s ears to catch. He felt her press her cold lips against his racing pulse, and he could feel the vibration of words he couldn’t hear. 

Suddenly, her body went limp, and his heart froze in his chest.

“Kiaya!?” Cullen shifted his shoulder to try and look at her face. Her face was slack, the whites of her eyes were visible under half-closed lids.

He tightened his arms around her and tucked her head back under his chin. He didn’t stop to check her breathing before breaking into a run.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to reach out and chat about DA or check out my artwork and my general love for all things Dragon Age you can find me here on [Tumblr](https://novamm66.tumblr.com/)


End file.
